learning curve

Here is an apology to anyone who has ever given me sound advice: I'm sorry I'm a little slow.

I realized just this week something many of you probably know already, which is actually what I need to apologize for in the first place. I've found that I can be told something that I guess is true, but then one day weeks or months or even years down the road it will strike me as something new and brilliant. Then I usually let whoever was bright enough to already know of this particular epiphany I vow I will put into action in my life, and they are often heard to say at that point "yeah, I've been telling you...". So I'm sorry. Baby steps, with me, always the baby steps.

Traditionally I've had a large gap between realization and application, a gap I am now aware of and striving to close as much as possible. There's just a difference you feel when casual and accepted knowledge suddenly hits you as something you can't help but act on, and live differently than you had been, and there's a change in the way you approach things.

Today, I believe that it's not too late for me.

words

I find that I like to write when I have an epiphany, or come to some sort of conclusion. But lately I've found I haven't had much to write, and not for lack of trying or disinterest. I have no conclusions. I have no epiphanies. I only have the process, the wondering, the in between. Even when I try to pull back my perspective to draw any sort of material from the things I see and the life I'm living I struggle. There is so much to wait for before a declaration, and it's all so close...

Fear itself

I always thought that one saw how strong they were and how far they'd come after climbing the mountain of whatever trial they were facing to look down upon the journey and know that they were victorious. What I've come to understand, however, is that growth in life doesn't really come from the peaks, it comes from the switchbacks. It's not about standing atop a conquered hardship, it is in feeling like you couldn't possibly take anymore only to be handed something more challenging than the first. It is not in resting- it is in pushing forward.

Fear and phobia have riddled my admittedly short existence thus far. I have a fairly extensive list of phobias that I will probably never be rid of completely, but my bigger problem has been fear. I learned a long time ago to be afraid. And I adapted my life to fit that fear instead of the other way around, as it should have been. I don't think I've made any particularly poor decisions, but I do regret lack of action in a lot of cases. I spent so much time walking on eggshells, often for no reason, feeling like at any moment I would be called out on doing something wrong. My solution was to do nothing, or as little as possible. It was an attitude of fear that explained so much of who I was.

My life has been far more eventful in the last year than the previous many for me personally. I've grown- I'm more capable, and I can feel the change in everything I do. It's been baby steps, and different changes have come over time one at a time. But where I feel the most difference has come in only the last week or two: I am not afraid anymore.

the follow-up

ok. ok, ok, ok.

I can be better. I can be braver. I can be happy.

I can try harder.

never enough

I keep waiting for something, I don't even know what. Some good news, some report of change. Some... thing. That would make my life much more interesting to read about. Fill one with the need to check back for the next exciting installment. But the truth is I have nothing. Not really. So this is what you get.

Dynamics are shifting, I am trying my best to adapt to all sorts of new emotional circumstances, and the hardest part I think for me is trying to do this while looking at the same scenery I've had out my window for so long now. So I'm here, I exist with the power to decide, and what am I deciding? What am I doing with all that power to determine a course? And how much has already been put in place, immovable, so all that's left is naught but to live with the consequences? And how much further am I expected to go on like this?

I feel so heavy, I have so much on my mind and no idea how to sort through it... I don't know how to process it all. I carry around a permanent headache, and can't even sleep through the night anymore. I always seem to be falling apart. I need help, and help is on the other side of the world. At least it's good for a song though, right? At least I'm good for something. I'm so glad I have all this misery and heart break to draw from so I can make a buck or two relating to all the others that have misery and heart break too. Life's just dandy.

One day at a

Time, who I always thought was so against me, really does work its magic if given the opportunity.

So much to say... and nothing coherent... I still need to process it all. But I'm here.

?

And yet, we exist

New and different has been my mantra for nearly six months now, and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you set your mind to something. I certainly have new and different. I am new and different. And life is strange, and messy, and complicated, and hard, really hard. But it's new. And different. And I never wish for a moment that I could go back.

I had given up on a lot of things. I had given up on myself. I didn't think I could ever change, or that there was anyone who could help me, or that I would ever be new and different. I was convinced of my own brokenness and ineptitude. I let my life be decided by the hands of others because it was easy. They knew better. I feared wrong decisions, I feared mistakes. Those fears created new fears. And in an effort to avoid facing them, I let them rule me. So I didn't do anything. I didn't decide anything. I let others.

It's been a very rough few days, weeks, and months. It's a time of transition, and dynamics are changing. We aren't expected to know how to adjust, but the test comes in how one handles the not knowing.

I didn't see how you could fight for something you weren't sure of. What I understand now is that it's not in the specifics. It's about being able to live, and stumble, and crawl, and fight, so that when you do stand up in spite of it all, you can let out a cry of victory because you alone were able to stand again.

Landscaping

Life is a fascinating mixture of confusion and clarity. I like that it's fluid- I like that action and consequence changes the landscape of our very existence. It's scary, but empowering. It's a potential that waits to be tapped in to, and those opportunities change and shift depending on which ones we take and which ones we let pass us by. I think I've seen it as scary for too long. I think I still see it as scary. And I think that in itself needs to change.

Thankfully, there's been a very slow growing light appearing at the end of a long tunnel over the last few days and weeks. I won't be here forever. There's an end, there's a plan, there is a way for me to grow up and have a life. And it's such a relief to catch even a glimpse of that. It'll be really interesting to see how it plays out, how life... plays out.

Sometimes the soundtrack of our lives calls for some silence.

mad world

I haven't been neglecting my blog. I haven't had anything to say. And not having anything to say can either be accurate at face value or in the inability to filter and focus enough to write anything. Both could be said of me.

I wish I knew what I was really afraid of. I'm sitting here staring at the screen trying to decide how honest to be. Because where I want to go is no place light. And I can't go into the dark without having someone willing and able to pull me out after.

monster mash

I don't know why (when do I ever?), but I've been thinking a lot about monsters lately. Not specific scary run-and-hide kinds, more just pondering on the results of our collective imagination. I was part of a discussion recently where people offered suggestions as to what came to mind for them when they thought of monsters, and some predictable things came up: scary, other worldly, powerful, etc. For me it goes beyond that. Monsters are really an amazing human creation, and here's why: for all their fright, and all their power, man has never created a monster that cannot be beaten.

Spoiler alert, but seriously think about that. Vampires? Stake through the heart/cross/garlic. Wicked Witch/aliens from Signs? Water. Werewolf? Silver bullet. Dorian Gray looks at a picture. Various other aliens, often involving Will Smith or Tom Cruise- common cold. King Kong, the Jaws shark, Jurassic Park dinosaurs, we out-smart them all. Dementers are beaten by positive energy. Sunlight is another popular option. We create a thing that terrifies us, completely outmatches us in every way, but always give ourselves an out. We bring ourselves to the brink of disaster for the thrill of it then save the day as the underdog (and often with very little effort). And we walk away feeling very good about ourselves. Good for us.

But monsters are not to be confused with demons. Monsters are creations of the mind, but demons are the occupiers of it. They're used commonly as synonyms, but to me at least, demons are very different. They are real, unseen things that haunt, and they can't always be beaten. They are invisible. And they are scary ones.

what day is it?

There's always a kind of letdown, coming back home. Not that home is so awful, or anything like that, I just like going places. Places near, places far, doesn't matter, it's somewhere different than wherever here is. Ironic for someone who's scared to leave the house. But I would pack anyday over UN-packing. And I guess it's tough not to look too deep into what it feels like symbolically. So I'm here, dealing with all my wrinkley clothes, figuring out what got left behind accidently, and wondering when the next opportunity to use my suitcase will be.

"hmm" moment

So many directions I could go here... I'll just pick one and get back to the others. Topic of choice: ........ uhh...... ... ... ... this is the part where I sum up the whole idea in one neat little package, but no one or two word phrases are coming to mind, so I'll just launch right in.

It occurred to me today that I have been existing on false assumptions. I'm a little slow, so no need to rub it in here, but honestly I was looking at myself and seeing that I'm constantly (and often in vain) searching for the right thing to say, etc, etc. I know perfectly well that I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, or should be, pretty much all the time. And really up 'til now it's been with the assumption that everyone else knows exactly what they're doing. And now that I'm beginning to think that's not necessarily the case, I'm not sure what to do about it. Makes me go "hmmm".

Hmmm.

spinning in circles

I feel like I owe the world a constant explanation. Not that the world cares, or that this reaches the world somehow, but when you're trying to argue your case to the world you have to start somewhere.

I've been beating my head against a wall for a really long time, and though I recently found a new wall, am still beating regardless of the newness of the wall. And I don't know how much longer I can hold all the pieces together without completely falling apart.

dust myself off

I should know better than to write at night. I don't really have the best perspective on things when it all catches up with me at the end of the day. I'll go out and try again. Why not?

when I speak I cross my fingers

I don't know where I was the day we learned to be around other people, but I was obviously not in attendance. Fully aware that social outings are not my strong suit, I've managed to avoid those particular situations for the better part of 2 1/2 years. This behavior apparently doesn't leave you with many friends. I thought I didn't need them.

I was wrong.

And now, I'm finding opportunities to leave the house and be around people, and a combination of being out of practice at something I couldn't do well to begin with- it's a pretty frustrating dilemma. And I don't know what to do about it. My mom says it'll get better, & I hope she's right. But I don't know how long I can go with it being worse... I'm swinging between awkward and lonely, and the only time I'm neither is when I'm by myself.

I don't know where to look, where to put my hands, where to stand, what to say, what to do... and not sometimes, or even most of the time- ALL the time. It's no one's fault. It just is. And I'm really, really tired of living in a constant state of uncomfortable and semi-panic. But I haven't a clue what to do about it. Staying inside is no solution, and it's the only one I've had for years. What now?

Law won

A lot of people assume things that come naturally to most people come naturally to all. I can assure you this is not the case. I've been, well, slow to catch on to a lot of these types of things. As part of an effort to change it up a little (and especially after a bad experience with our city bus system), I decided it might be about time I learn to drive.

I've been getting out a lot these past few weeks to get comfortable behind the wheel of a high-powered death machine, but I caught on fairly quickly, I think. You know, if you ignore the five or so years leading up to the last month. Scheduled my driver's test and everything (for March- are they only doing one a week??). So I'm driving around with my mom today, pulled into our first stop, executed a fine parking job, and decided to wait in the car instead of getting out. Mom back in, I pull out of the parking lot and get half a block when I see blinking lights in my rear view.

I definitely got pulled over. And ticketed. For not wearing my seatbelt.

First off, why is that even a law? And more importantly, why is it being enforced? Holy cow, are we really that hurting for crime in the greater Salem area? I didn't even know I could be ticketed as a permit driver (turns out you can, it should be noted). Not being in a financial position to suddenly develop this problem with authority, I did my best to plead my case, but what are you going to say? You either are or you aren't wearing your seatbelt at any given time. At that given time, I wasn't. And there's no chance of NOT getting a ticket- this officer's job was to do nothing but sit there and write up citations for the portion of the population that has such obvious disregard for the law that they don't wear their seatbelts. No kidding. He told me (not in so many words... but that's the general idea). For three days, one officer will sit and do nothing but the seatbelt sting. They answer no other calls, they look for nothing else. Seatbelt sting. Puke.

After the initial shock, my response was understandably to buy a new pair of jeans at our next stop. My mom's was to drive back by the officer and commit some other offense lawfully belted in, just to see if he really did nothing but seatbelt citations. (We didn't actually do that, but we were sure tempted.)

Apparently there's some class I can take (the "seatbelt diversion program"- I'm not even joking) that will probably take 5 hours to tell me to wear my seatbelt. Which, it should be noted, I do about 98% of the time. $100 ticket. Ridiculous. Ironic, also, and hilarious probably someday. But today is not someday. Today is Tuesday. And because it is Tuesday and not someday, it's still a bit close to be funny here. But just as today is not someday because it is, in fact, Tuesday, you are not here. You are there. And there, it's probably pretty dang funny.

*boom* *boom* D Fence

Okay. So, recently inspired by lifestyles of the Rychen Famous, I've decided to, at least for now, stop feeling sorry for myself. And in its place, at least for now, I will feel sorry for my Blazers.

When you live at home, have zero social life, and rely on your parents and the city bus for your transportation needs, you find yourself a couple of things that you can really get into. For me it's music (will clarify), Jamba (no need to clarify), and the Blazers. Sure there's all that other stuff like church and family, but that's kind of understood, and probably not as interesting.

I've only missed maybe two games this season. They're a great team, fun to watch, they play together, have a strong bench, and they're in a surprising place this season that very few saw coming- we're a contender in every game. Which is why last night's game against the Cavs was such a heartbreaker. Shooting 35%, we had the lead from 6 minutes in until 0.3 seconds left, where LeBron (after hitting 3 3's in a row) drove to the basket to put them up by 1 point. And that was the game. First loss when the game is decided by 3 points or less all season. Games like that you look back on every missed free throw, every little thing that could have made the difference. But then I suppose you look ahead. I don't know, I'm no coach- just a dedicated fan and spectator.

I still hold that we make the playoffs this season. And I personally get to look forward to watching the next game at the Garden. Go my favorite sports team!

tick tock

I wish really, really badly that I had something new to write. As it stands, I've come to the sad realization this week that I'm going to be here at home even longer than recently thought. And I guess I'm more confused about that than anything else. I need change so badly... and I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Day 1

There's not much of that "shoot for the moon" stuff that works for me. I don't know if it's because I'm overly cynical or just a realist that likes to hear things as they are, but most things labeled inspirational do nothing for me. I found recently, though, something that does work for me. And I kind of lost that for awhile. But I got it back, and I'm moving forward with that new mentality: Today is Day 1.

Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the road you've been on, forget about your responsibilities and obligations for a moment and think of your life in a perspective free of the weights you pick up along the way. Even when practicality says otherwise, you have to look at every day as a choice. Even if you make the same choice you've made every day for years, there is empowerment in choosing again, and not just going along like you have been for that reason alone. Yesterday was hard. The week before that was even harder. But today... today is day 1. And today, I will be better.

2 all-nighters in 3 nights

Yeah, I don't recommend it. Since I am obviously not asleep yet even after 38 consecutive hours of awakeness, that makes for about 7 hours sleep in the last 86. Hours. Total. And that's uncomfortable hotel/plane sleep.

There's a story there. The mystery is probably better, but I'll tell it later. It involves a party. And a movie. And the airport. Not in that order. Quite an experience.

Yeah.

Actually, if you look at it right, I'm going to bed early. Not even midnight.




...yeah

a little more sunshine for the forecast

I'll be alright. I can get caught up in what's happening and what's not fairly easily- it happens when you don't get a removal from your own reality often enough. Yes, I struggle and yes, it's frustrating. But I'll be alright. I got to spend a few days away and that really gave me an opportunity to put things in perspective a little better. What's funny (ironic more than ha-ha) is that my view has shifted more since I got back than when I was there. I feel closer to moving on to the next phase of life than ever, I feel like the risky decisions I've made in forming direction in my own life have been the correct ones, and I need to go ahead and own that instead of trying to straddle the fence, or give myself an out. I'm on the right road for me. And I don't know who can follow me here, but someone will. I have so much further to go, I'm still so much a work in progress, but I'll be alright. I am alright. Days like these are good. Days like these make tomorrow seem a little less intimidating, yesterday seem a little more meaningful, and today wide open for anything. Here's to the new year. May something happen for everyone.

social defeat

I wanted to wait a few days to let things process before reporting on events of this past week, and I'm still not quite ready to do that, but felt I should write something anyway. I'm not ready for thoughts on all of my friends lives moving forward without me or a retrospective of this past year. I'm not ready for much. Every time I see my group of friends, which unfortunately isn't often enough, I feel like I should be so much better than I was. I should accomplish more, before seeing them. I don't want to be the same person I was. And I have such a hard time with people, I manage to keep even the ones I care about at a distance. And not just the miles from my home to theirs. Distance goes beyond that. I was right with them, right in the middle, and I still kept myself on the outside. I don't know how to be anything else. And what an awful feeling to have the rare occasion of spending time with friends and blowing it. This time was supposed to be different. It's always supposed to be different. And fear and whatever else absolutely buried me. Again. What better way to ring in the new year than with the same old story of how nothing has changed and life is still a struggle.