And yet, we exist

New and different has been my mantra for nearly six months now, and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you set your mind to something. I certainly have new and different. I am new and different. And life is strange, and messy, and complicated, and hard, really hard. But it's new. And different. And I never wish for a moment that I could go back.

I had given up on a lot of things. I had given up on myself. I didn't think I could ever change, or that there was anyone who could help me, or that I would ever be new and different. I was convinced of my own brokenness and ineptitude. I let my life be decided by the hands of others because it was easy. They knew better. I feared wrong decisions, I feared mistakes. Those fears created new fears. And in an effort to avoid facing them, I let them rule me. So I didn't do anything. I didn't decide anything. I let others.

It's been a very rough few days, weeks, and months. It's a time of transition, and dynamics are changing. We aren't expected to know how to adjust, but the test comes in how one handles the not knowing.

I didn't see how you could fight for something you weren't sure of. What I understand now is that it's not in the specifics. It's about being able to live, and stumble, and crawl, and fight, so that when you do stand up in spite of it all, you can let out a cry of victory because you alone were able to stand again.