I'm just a little black raincloud, pay no attention to me

It is amazing to me that some of the most destructive forces are difficult to distinguish, due to their close resemblance to common sense. Doubt. Worry. Fear.

I have a tendency to live my life in a very all or nothing fashion- completely in or out, high risk/high reward, with as little grey area as possible. The thought is that if you're right, you look brilliant and didn't waste any time getting there, and if you're wrong, downside you're probably screwed, but upside, ideally, is that it's easier to correct a wrong decision than indecision. On good days I move forward full of confidence, filling my head with thoughts of inevitable success and lying to the world about my own infinite insecurities. But on most days... most days I wake up and don't want to. I go through everyday wishing it was over, and that's no way to live. I don't recommend it.

It's not that I doubt the initial decision to come home to pursue music full time. Lately, though, I've been wondering if the way I've gone about it was right. Is right. I did so well in the beginning about not thinking of all I was missing. I wonder if it would have made a difference, staying.

I've buried everything so deep for so long... I wonder if I ever really had a chance. I wish so many thing were different. And I see everything I am, and everything I'm going through, and I know it's no one's fault but my own that I struggle. You can't cut yourself off and keep people at a distance then wonder why you're lonely.

So I'll go through the motions, listen to my sad songs, curse someday and be here until change has mercy on me.

Order

I like moving into new phases with the album development. This week's phase is "Figuring out the order of the songs". It's frustrating, for reasons both known and unknown. I'm really particular about song order in my playlists, so trying to decide an order with my own songs reaches a whole new level of... particular.

Also on the menu (the proverbial menu of tasks moreso than an actual menu with food items) is going through and making notes about each song, things that work and things that don't. Lucky for me, I believe my perfectionist leanings about my record slightly outweigh my being intimidated by those working on it. All about the balancing act.

Good Gravy (another Thanksgiving story)

When you begin your day with world conquest and end it with apple pie, there's not much that can go wrong in between.

Winning anything is fun, but beating my eldest brother in a serious game of Risk was particularly satisfying. This while running back and forth to the kitchen in preparation for the spread that would occupy the rest of the day... Holiday plans were a little different this year without Paige and Whitney (we missed you!) and the rest of Paige's family that had provided countless pie options in years past. So instead of our usual feasting ritual at home, we joined the bishop's family at their home with a few others.

Managed to land a seat at the adult's table- another small victory- and soon discovered the beauty of sweet potatoes, which, incidently, don't taste like potatoes at all. I was initially a little wary of the color (we're not big believers in color when it comes to meals), and then the name (Potatoes? And sweet? Both, together?? And why orange? Potatoes aren't orange.) but decided to be brave and try new things. I went back for seconds. Nothing on Logan, who I believe went for fifths, but I had conquered the world that morning and he didn't make it to Day 2 (sorry Logan- world domination doesn't leave much room for compromise), so in the universal scheme of things I'm probably still up for the day.

In an effort to keep this an upbeat entry, I'll end it here. Happy holidays, everybody.

elusive change

I think I'm living the definition of insanity. Who's with me?

album preview

So I'm not into promoting myself at the kaleidoscope (that's why it's here), but I thought that whoever reads this might be interested in some of the new tracks that will be on the album due out in February. They're posted on my Myspace page. Just early mixes, but they sound pretty good.

www.myspace.com/courtneyjonesmusic


Enjoy.

another useless late night

It's amazing what you resort to when you can't sleep. For me, it's imagined conversations... one wants to be prepared, right? I think of how to approach things, and what to say for countless situations, a vast majority of which I'll probably never find myself in. And even the ones that do come to pass, it's not like I have the confidence to say what I want to.

That's really a distraction though. Because if I think, if I really think about where I am and the decisions I've made, I could drive myself crazy. I'm falling apart. I keep thinking this is as hard as it gets, that the light at the end of the tunnel is just about to appear, maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed something. Someday gets harder to live on every day. But I suppose everyone asks how much longer.