social defeat

I wanted to wait a few days to let things process before reporting on events of this past week, and I'm still not quite ready to do that, but felt I should write something anyway. I'm not ready for thoughts on all of my friends lives moving forward without me or a retrospective of this past year. I'm not ready for much. Every time I see my group of friends, which unfortunately isn't often enough, I feel like I should be so much better than I was. I should accomplish more, before seeing them. I don't want to be the same person I was. And I have such a hard time with people, I manage to keep even the ones I care about at a distance. And not just the miles from my home to theirs. Distance goes beyond that. I was right with them, right in the middle, and I still kept myself on the outside. I don't know how to be anything else. And what an awful feeling to have the rare occasion of spending time with friends and blowing it. This time was supposed to be different. It's always supposed to be different. And fear and whatever else absolutely buried me. Again. What better way to ring in the new year than with the same old story of how nothing has changed and life is still a struggle.