I'll be home for Christmas. Actually, tomorrow.

I'm very busy here not packing. There's a Blazer game on (one of those rare occasions where it's nationally broadcast, hooray) and frankly, I feel like procrastinating the pack. I usually do. I tell myself some lame little reason that makes me smile, like the longer I wait, the less wrinkled everything will be.

I'm thinking about fun things. Like seeing both of my families- the one I was lucky enough to be given and the one I was lucky enough to marry into, anticipating lots of yummy food and big comfy sweaters that disguise the physical result of consuming said yummy food, how to break it to Landon that I've had his Christmas shopping done for two months and have been secretly hiding his presents, and when I get to have more apple pie (nevermind that I ate half a pie earlier this week).

I love Christmas shopping. I'm very proud of the attention to detail and the personal ideal of my gifts. And for most people, I find things that just fit the person and it's over and done. However, my dad is one of the hardest people to shop for on the planet. So it is with him in mind that I pay close attention to all those commercials that tout their product/store as the perfect solution for that hard-to-shop-for friend/family member. According to these overly-confident companies, Dad will be receiving an "edible arrangement" and something from a fishing pro shop. Maybe a gift card.

For those of you that don't know my dad, trust me, that's funny.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I think the time from Thanksgiving to New Years is magical. It helps, in our house, that I married a Christmas junkie. Even with the knowledge that we'll be in Oregon for the last two weeks of December (yay!), we went out and got ourselves some holiday cheer in the form of a 3' tree. It is proudly decorated and displayed on our kitchen table. Good ol' Relief Society gave me the chance to make a few other decorations, so we're doing what we can here. Sadly, my advent calendar was left in Oregon, so for the first December of my life I am advent calendar-less :( But we'll bring it back with us after our holiday trip so we'll have it for next year.

It's kind of strange not having 20+ years of collected decorations at your disposal to put up around the house. But you have to start somewhere, I guess. And what we do have is about 4 solid days worth of Christmas music, which has been on pretty much non-stop since Thanksgiving. Time has been going by fast, and pretty soon we'll be on the road and off to see our families. I'm super excited!

Filled with new confidence after my apple pie turned out, I'm actually HOSTING a Christmas party next week- crazy, I know. I don't even like parties. But Christmas makes it different. So bring on the pies, desserts, and ugly Christmas sweaters- we're having a party.

Wish me luck!

Thanks giving

As this Thanksgiving day draws to a close, I find myself feeling a lot of gratitude for some of the little things that mean a lot, such as:

1. Landon and I finally got to spend a holiday together

2. My first attempt at making my very own pie was successful, even the home-made pie crust

3. Even though we were away from our families, a group of us coasties and wives came together to make our own kind of family for the holiday

4. Christmas music is now officially acceptable

5. Thanksgiving dinner was wonderful, and made by someone else (I'm glad I only had to worry about the pie!)


I am so grateful for where I am, for Landon, my family, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving.

Courtney on tv!

More specifically, Courtney's SONG is on tv! My song "weightless" is being used in an NBC promo for Law & Order SVU! I got the call that I was in the final stages of selection early last week but didn't hear back about it until we got a phone call from Landon's parents congratulating us on having my song in the commercial. Since then I've gotten phone calls and lots of facebook attention and it's been great to hear from everybody. Ironically, in spite of my sudden religious watching of NBC, I have yet to actually see the ad. But I trust it's there.

Hopefully this snowballs into other opportunities- we'll see. Pretty exciting though!

Thomas at Target

Landon and I were making one of our frequent visits to Target when we found ourselves cutting through the kids toy aisle. For some reason, when I walked through my motion set off a Thomas the Tank Engine toy who proceeded to speak to me. It surprised me and I didn't appreciate it, so I jokingly informed Landon that "we were not talking to Thomas". It was at this moment that a stranger came into the kids toy aisle from the other direction, and gave me a very odd look. After a few moments of confused silence, he said "Oh, my name's Thomas". At which time I felt my cheeks turn red as I embraced the humor in what had happened, the horror at how unintentionally rude I had been to a stranger, and the surprise that this had happened in the first place, all at the same time. "Oh, my name's Thomas".

Stupid tank engine.

trading sunshine for pumpkins

I love the fall. I felt a little out of my element living in southern California over the summer (I'm not complaining, just saying...) and although the weather was freakishly gorgeous every day, I didn't grow up on the beach in sandals and shorts 365 days a year. I own one pair of shorts and had to invest in a nice pair of flip flops. But now fall is coming.

Fall means apple pie. And stew. And the smell of pumpkin spice. And sweaters and jackets, which I have a fair collection of. It means blankets and warm boots, and hot chocolate. It means the start of basketball season and the ushering in of the holiday season. I love all these things.

Signs for pumpkin patches and corn mazes have been popping up in the last week or so, and we're making plans to go with our awesome new friends the Youngs (Becca and Zach, not to be confused with Christy and Jared although we wish you were close enough to come with us too!). Zach is Landon's A school bff, and lucky for me his wife is pretty cool too so we've been hanging out the four of us quite a bit.

To catch up on our adventures, Landon and I have recently had our first Ikea experience. We realized by the third hour of being there that we were unprepared for such an excursion, and although we love having our tv off the floor and on a proper piece of furniture, we will be returning for some other essentials in the near future. We're still working on being big people and getting our home together. We've also been enjoying $7 bowling (that's for two pairs of shoes and a lane for an hour, plus free soda) at the base, and so far, happily, that's been a weekly occurrence. I've been getting some good scores in the 140's and Landon finally got his Spiderman bowling bowl drilled, so I imagine we'll make quite a pair at our next family reunion cosmic bowling night.

We still have a little unpacking to do in our new place but we're settling in nicely. I've had a couple of kitchen disasters but successfully made oatmeal brownie drops yesterday, so even though there continues to be a funny smell coming from somewhere in there, I believe we're coming to some sort of understanding ("we" being the kitchen and me). Also, our new friends happened to have an extra microwave lying around, so that's made life a little easier too.

So cheers to the good smelling things of autumn and my appropriate wardrobe for such weather. Hello fall.

Petaluma, here we come

The newest Bingham family is on the move again. We are packing the remainder of our belongings (actually, I should be doing that instead of blogging, but whatever) and saying goodbye to our first apartment. We'll get the truck and pack that tomorrow then take off for the cows and country of northern California. I joined Landon for the tail end of apartment hunting in Petaluma Sunday and I'm pretty excited about our new place. The town itself is nice because it has everything close- Target, Safeway, Costco, Walmart, Best Buy, all those kinds of stores are only a few minutes away. Anywhere outside the center of the town though, reminds me of the hill where my grandparents live. Farmland, as far as the eye can see. It might drive me nuts if we were there long term, but we're not anywhere long term so we get to try out all kinds of places.

Busy days, busy weeks.

Also, on a very important note, there's a Jamba Juice a mere fifteen minutes away. Yay!

good for a smile

-awesome people who pretend to know you so you can be second in line for Harry Potter, and score perfect seats

-overhearing a guy explaining Sneetches to his date at a restaurant

-baking yummy muffins and banana bread

-the Craigslist "free" section

-a perpetually empty pool across the street, along with ideal swimming weather

-Rainbow sandals

-beating Landon at cards

dreaming (a "motivation" follow-up)

Ok, so after sitting with my last entry for almost a day, I realize it comes off a little odd. This is an attempt to paint a little more context around my randomness.

Those of you who know me (which should be all of you, if you're reading this) either know already or won't be shocked to find out that I have chronic insomnia. To help with this, I take melatonin supplements (which is what you're brain is supposed to produce naturally anyway, mine just needs a little help). And it generally works wonderfully. My family can attest to my much improved mood over the last year or two compared to the previous.... well, that's not important.

Anyway, one of the side effects of this stuff (besides "drowsiness"- duh) is vivid dreams. So two nights ago, already having running on my mind, I have a running dream and a trainer from a show I was watching. Makes sense. It comes from somewhere. When I wake up that dream world melts away but I'm usually left with the feelings from it for a little bit. Last night I dreamed something about being in or directing a choir, with one of my favorite pieces from my junior year of high school that apparently my sub-conscious remembers exceptionally well. And I wake up missing choir. I hadn't even really thought about it like that in a while, but I miss singing in a big group, in foreign languages, a capella, with all those moving vocal lines and watching the director and all that. Turns out I really do miss it. And unless church choir really steps it up here I don't see another opportunity I'll have to be part of something like that.

Dreams are funny things. They fascinate me. Maybe it's a form of gratitude since I went so long without them.

motivation

So I've been neglecting my blog lately... oops. I think I'm torn between what I should write, in a traditional blog good-information-for-you-to-have, update-on-my-life fashion, or I what I want to write, more of the funny-random stuff that is largely, if not entirely, pointless.

For example, what I should write is that Landon got his orders, so we'll be moving from Santa Barbara to Petaluma (about 40 miles north of San Francisco) for A school (military training centers for specific jobs within the Coast Guard) in September. I might also write that I am finally taking advantage of the pool in our complex, learning how to swim, and working on a nice tan that helps prove I've lived in California this summer.

What I want to write, however, is more along the lines of I had this dream last night that I was a runner, and Jillian from The Biggest Loser was my trainer, and it felt pretty awesome.

I've actually been trying to motivate myself to run (in real, awake life) ever since the 4th of July and I'm still struggling. I'm horrible. I have no stamina and I can't breathe after half a lap, it's terrible. I'm trying to baby-step my way into it but I just need to go out and do it. My family's all doing it back in Oregon. It's something I've always wanted to do but never though I could. And I just watched the final few contestants on the Biggest Loser, people that months prior weighed hundreds of pounds each, run a marathon. A MARATHON. 26.2 miles. Why can't I?

dining and a dining table

It took us a couple of months but we finally purchased a kitchen table this week. Like most things, we found it on Craigslist, and like most things on Craigslist, it needs a little work. When we first saw it in it's now previous environment I had my hesitations, but Landon, always one to see potential, saw what it could be and I trust his judgement. He got talking about sanding and refinishing and sounded really happy to have a project. I in turn was happy that the finished product would look (and smell) much better than my only interactions with it so far. He came home yesterday covered in dust with a big smile on his face, and reported good progress. So now, instead of feeling nervous about parting with my $50, I feel like we've adopted this table and are giving it a better home. And I can feel good about that. I'm very excited to see the finished product. And as functional as the white-board-laying-across-stacked-Rubbermaid-bins has been for a dining table, having a real table will be nice.

When Landon was no longer covered in dust, we both realized we were very hungry and soon set off on a quest for pizza (after a short pause to watch some basketball highlights- we're sad that the season is over). I don't know why we didn't just go to the pizza place a mile from our house, but I didn't question when we headed into downtown. We found some parking close to where we thought this place would be, and set off on foot to find it. I don't know if I ever fully convinced Landon that the by-the-slice place we were seeking was no longer in business, but after some fruitless though dedicated searching we headed back toward the car. In our driving and walking, however, we had passed "Pacific Crepes" several times, and as we walked back in the direction of our car, we decided to dine there instead of questing further for pizza. Which turned out to be a most excellent choice.

It was a pretty small place, and I was instantly intimidated by all the beautiful, genuine french that met my ears. I think I counted 3-4 people that worked there total, running the whole operation. And not only was the wait-staff all very french, so was everyone else in the restaurant. I managed to order something that sounded delicious AND was highly recommended by the waitress, and after that I began to feel a little less intimidated. It turned out to be a wonderful meal. Landon's french onion soup (the soup of the day, go figure) was amazing, my dinner crepe was amazing, our dessert crepe was amazing, and this quaint, delicious little place really grew on us very quickly. You can't really go wrong with crepes anyway, but we walked out of there full and happy, like it wasn't just a meal, it was an experience.

We returned to our car, which thankfully was a short walk, and realized that we only had four minutes to take advantage of free parking (it seems like everywhere downtown Santa Barbara is free for the first 75 minutes, I don't know why). We had to drive down several levels and had a car sneak in front of us and it got pretty intense there for a minute or two, but happy ending- we handed in our ticket with two minutes to spare. Which was good. Because not having $1.50 on us would have been awkward.

One 23

I was bracing myself for a very quiet birthday. It's never huge and flashy anyway (with the possible exception of last year, to give Landon some credit), but with Landon gone almost two weeks now with next to no communication and me visiting his grandparents who were already going above and beyond in hospitality, I didn't hold out much hope for a big celebration. Which was fine. It's never been of huge importance to have my birthday recognized in some extraordinary way, and especially with all the other recent and current events- for both families- it just wasn't at the top of my list to make a big deal about.

Last night though, as I went to bed, it started to sink in that my family is scattered across the nation at the moment and I probably wouldn't hear from Landon at all. And it hit me harder than I expected. But then my day came. I awoke this morning to Sydney bringing me a little german chocolate cake with a candle, and a gift bag full of goodies (like nice shampoo, which I've missed, and an adorable pair of earrings she picked out herself). My parents and parents-in-law had both sent gifts to the house, but of course I had opened them at midnight because it was technically my birthday and I couldn't wait any longer. So the birthday I was not expecting began early and stayed good all day. I took a nice long shower and made myself up a little for whatever was going to happen, then was taken to Laguna and treated to thai food- always a favorite. After that we did gelato for dessert- again, favorite- then headed back to the house where I made cupcakes. Because you have to have cupcakes on your birthday, ask any of my siblings.

Throughout the day I got to talk to many friends and family members dear to my heart. And for two minutes by satellite phone, I even got to talk to Landon :) It was completely unexpected and brief but wonderful, and I can go to bed tonight without the little letdown that I'm sure would have come in the absence of that phonecall no matter how grand the rest of the day was.

So I really did have a happy birthday.

Thanks everybody.

I saw dolphins

I knew months in advance that I would be moving here. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I knew it was coming. I expected to miss my family and the wonderful people I know and love back in Oregon. Now that I'm here though, I've come to feel some unanticipated losses, little things I didn't see coming in all my preparation to leave.

I miss my 4runner. A lot. Sure it doesn't get the greatest gas milage in the world, but I spent a lot of quality time with that car. We understood each other. I knew how to drive it, how to park it, where the e-brake is, that the lights turn off when you open the door... I miss that car. And although Landon's shiny Sentra is a nice, zippy car... I'm still learning to appreciate it. Stupid stick shift.

I miss my fully stocked kitchen. After finding myself defending the merits of non-stick cookie sheets to Landon last week (plus feeling very lost in the grocery store), I really miss the kitchen in my parents house. So many cupboards.... so many demarle sheets and pans, and all the ingredients you would need sitting there waiting to be made into something yummy... and even when we declared there "was no food in the house", there was still food in the house. You had to work a little harder but there was definitely still food there.

I miss a predictable shower. I love my new home but the shower is like a hotel shower- you never really know what you're going to get. And each time you turn it on it's a different amount of adjustment to get it just right... and that's if it's cooperating.

I miss my dining table. Trust me, when you don't have one, you notice it's gone.

The table is one of the last things on our list to complete our home, so I'm not too worried about that. Landon fashioned us a wonderful make-shift table for the meantime out of rubbermaid bins and a whiteboard, so we can at least sit down to eat together when the opportunity presents itself.

Of course there are a lot of things I like about being here as well. It's sunny and a generally nice temperature outside just about all of the time. We're only a couple of miles from the beach so it's very pretty and I love being so close to the ocean (even though I don't go in it). We were driving down the 101 yesterday and Landon says "hey look, dolphins." and sure enough, I saw dolphins surfing in the waves. I felt a little silly to be so excited but I had never seen dolphins before. Downtown is pretty cool too, with all the shops and restaurants- and free parking under 75 minutes. I like that our neighbors have wind chimes, and I like all the trees. I love our home- despite a temperamental bathroom, we are very blessed to be here.

After living in just one place for so long you start to find even mundane things interesting enough to stick out to you at a new location- like an abundance of screen doors, or an usually large population of obnoxious birds.

monopoly money

Most journeys to Walmart prior to yesterday, with rare exception, had followed the same pattern. I dread going but walk in with purpose, quickly become overwhelmed, and after as few demoralizing minutes as possible I make my escape with or without the items I intended to purchase.

For those tracking the story of the newest Bingham family, Landon and I have been married for a month now and in Santa Barbara for several weeks. We are extremely grateful for the generosity of others that put anything at all in our new home- kitchen appliances, cleaning supplies, a couch, etc. We found ourselves pretty well off, but definitely missing some essentials. Also, I love Target, but they were very selective about what could be returned. So, on the night before we left for California, we took all the items Target had rejected to Walmart and surprisingly, they took all kinds of things we didn't want to move with us and handed us a gift card for our troubles. Apparently they take anything they carry in their stores, even if it wasn't bought there.

Our mission yesterday was to fill in our missing essentials. Armed with our gift cards and a GPS, we made our way to Kohls, Walmart, and Target with a list I had put together after a week and a half of living here and noticing what was... missing. Like a garbage can, for example. As pretty as using shiny wedding gift bags was for our garbage needs, that was a short-lived solution. We decided to approach the warehouse-like establishments in a particular order due to the amount we had to spend at each store. After purchasing silverware at Kohls, we drove to Walmart to see what we could take care of there before moving on to Target, where we had the most to spend.

After parking and approaching what appeared to be a small city (Landon assured me it was just a Walmart), we apprehensively entered and began finding the items on our list. We managed to find and purchase my ENTIRE (rather sizable) list at Walmart, plus some extra items, for under $150. Say what you want about them (and I would have been right there with you before yesterday)- Walmart did us a huge favor by selling so much stuff for so cheap. When my biggest letdowns are accidently buying garbage bags without a drawstring and white lightbulbs instead of yellow, it's a successful venture. I don't want to copy my receipt here to prove my point, but we needed a lot and Walmart had it. For a lot less than we could have hoped for.

That's not even the happy ending. Having taken care of nearly everything at Walmart, we found ourselves at Target with a lot of gift card dollars, and even after we bought the set of pots and pans I had scouted out for weeks we had enough left over to purchase a TV- a luxury I hadn't anticipated so soon.

"So, do you like Santa Barbara?"

I've probably been asked that about a dozen times in the last couple weeks. Honestly I don't have a good answer, so I say something honest like "It's pretty here." It's not that I DON"T like Santa Barbara... I'm pretty sure I do like it, actually... it's just been such a huge adjustment to married life and coast guard life and moving away from home life that it's hard to separate out what the state of California is responsible for and what's just life. So I'm withholding judgement for the time being.

I love my apartment. I love that I get to see Landon more than once every couple months. I love being close to the water. It's only been ghastly hot one day out of the weeks I've been here (and the city was kind of on fire at the time, so even that might be excused), so weather is nice. Downtown shops and little restaurants we've discovered like Jack's Bistro and a yummy thai place are nice. And we have a pretty awesome coast guard couple as friends.

Maybe I just don't have anything to compare it to, or maybe everything is just all so new that I can't get a clear picture on it. In any case, I don't know if I like Santa Barbara yet.

But it sure is pretty.

Courtney in California

So... it's been quite an adventure these last couple weeks. Landon flew to Oregon, we were married, then we drove a moving truck down here to Santa Barbara, where we will be residing for an undetermined amount of time. After much trial and tribulation we found the perfect place to make our new home, where I am currently in the process of unpacking and finding where everything should go. I'm thinking about starting a new blog for Landon and me, not that he'll write but it'd be a good way to keep track of us, as we'll be exploring some geographics with our living situation for the foreseeable future.

I still feel like I'm playing pretend when I introduce myself as "Courtney Bingham" or refer to Landon as my husband or anything like that. There are a lot of adjustments, ranging from the deep emotional to the inane. But that's life. And this is mine.

3 weeks away. Ish.

So I'm 18 days away from being married- yay! And weird. And completely ok. And all sorts of things. I'm very excited.

I don't pretend that things won't be challenging, but with that understanding also comes a certain excitement for some adventure. Not that that's the reason I'm getting married, just my outlook on the many changes coming up in my life. I think it has to be that way.

Again thanks to much help and support from many wonderful, wonderful people I know and love, things continue to come together for the wedding. I'm starting to get gifts, and that's pretty cool. I was talking with my mom a bit about the progression of wedding plans, where it seems that 4 weeks out there's much to do, and 1 week out there's much to do, but here I am in week 3 and then 2 just making sure everything that can be sorted out is and trying not to go crazy. I still have a lot of packing to do, but active planning and preparation for the "big day" is coming to a close and preparation for the life to come after is setting in. I suppose it has been for some time now, but with every passing day it sinks in more and more. That connection between leaving and realizing that everyone else is staying is slowly being made in my brain, and although I'll always come back for visits, it will be different.

New and different was my mantra, my motivation for change. And now I'm here, in a place I didn't think would come for me. With the life I've chosen new and different will be a constant, and the skills and experiences I've gained over the last year or so will be a great help in adapting to every new environment.

I'm 18 days away from being married. And I'm so excited :)

wisdom and gratitude

I had my wisdom teeth taken out this morning, and over the day I've been thinking over all the things I'm thankful for through this whole experience.

I'm grateful for:
1. a mom who took a day off work to drive, babysit, save me from myself, and buy me special chocolate milk
2. a dad who let me take over the couch all day
3. siblings who managed to keep the house quieter than usual
4. a kitty who kept me company and kept me warm while I had ice packs on my face all day
5. ice packs
6. a fiance who keeps me looking at the bright side
7. friends who check in to see how I'm doing
8. anesthesia, which made the process more humane. and apparently humorous.
9. applesauce!
10. a comfy couch, painkillers, very vanilla yogurt, and a Blazer victory
11. chapstick chapstick chapstick chapstick...


After some serious memory lapses coming off the anesthesia (thanks Mom, for filling me in), I found myself sore but pretty clear-headed. Despite spending a vast majority of the day on the couch, I managed to get a lot done as far as wedding planning goes. So many wonderful people have come forward offering help and support, and being as this last week was really the first time I had begun to worry about things coming together, help and support are greatly appreciated and has taken a huge load off. It's time for picking cakes, and flowers, and mailing announcements... how exciting!

I hope to be feeling less chipmunky soon - only a month til the wedding :)

I'm engaged!

What an absolutely amazing day! Landon is wonderful, the ring is beautiful, and the day was perfect :)

I'm incredibly happy. Thank you love.

new year, new life

I know that January is nearly over, but for better or worse I have this habit of taking things at my own pace.

This past year has been quite an experience. Last February was when I began my whole-hearted effort to change, and it's been a pretty incredible journey since. I went from having a few distant friends to a network of truly amazing people, whose love and support I'm not sure I deserve but I appreciate with all my heart. And it goes beyond having a place to hang out on the weekends- it's about being connected to people, being in a position to help and be helped. Enjoying the company of others, and trusting myself to be ok. I've found that through the help of others, I've grown and become a person I had given up on ever being a long time ago.

I'm happy now. That's the biggest change. I've had happy times and happy things in the past, but to really feel happiness in your very core, and go back to that after everything settles down... that's something quite different for me. Default happy. And I felt a clear transition internally to that several months ago.

It's an empowering feeling to suddenly see the world open up in front of you. There are countless opportunities to take advantage of, and I feel more capable than I ever have. Where I am now, what I have now, I've worked hard for it. And I know happiness requires a continued effort, but I know I can do it now and I know it's worth it, because happiness makes everything better. It feels lighter. And people notice.

I'm so different than I was. I've had a number of individuals say to me over the past months that they can tell a difference. It's in how I talk, how I carry myself... the change in confidence has been clearly evident. And that's not something I expected. But here I find myself almost exactly one year from my start of a dedicated effort of being better, being social, facing fears, and really working at an internal overhaul, and I'm looking at a completely different life. Interacting with people comes a lot easier these days. I'm Relief Society president. I have responsibilities. I'm trusted. I find myself with truly wonderful friends and family, and many individuals that blur the line between the two. And I'm in love.

I still expect rough days ahead, and I certainly feel my fair share of them now. But in both a general and specific sense, I've found love. I understand so much more than I did. I am happy.

And I'm ready.

well it goes like this

the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift