*boom* *boom* D Fence

Okay. So, recently inspired by lifestyles of the Rychen Famous, I've decided to, at least for now, stop feeling sorry for myself. And in its place, at least for now, I will feel sorry for my Blazers.

When you live at home, have zero social life, and rely on your parents and the city bus for your transportation needs, you find yourself a couple of things that you can really get into. For me it's music (will clarify), Jamba (no need to clarify), and the Blazers. Sure there's all that other stuff like church and family, but that's kind of understood, and probably not as interesting.

I've only missed maybe two games this season. They're a great team, fun to watch, they play together, have a strong bench, and they're in a surprising place this season that very few saw coming- we're a contender in every game. Which is why last night's game against the Cavs was such a heartbreaker. Shooting 35%, we had the lead from 6 minutes in until 0.3 seconds left, where LeBron (after hitting 3 3's in a row) drove to the basket to put them up by 1 point. And that was the game. First loss when the game is decided by 3 points or less all season. Games like that you look back on every missed free throw, every little thing that could have made the difference. But then I suppose you look ahead. I don't know, I'm no coach- just a dedicated fan and spectator.

I still hold that we make the playoffs this season. And I personally get to look forward to watching the next game at the Garden. Go my favorite sports team!

tick tock

I wish really, really badly that I had something new to write. As it stands, I've come to the sad realization this week that I'm going to be here at home even longer than recently thought. And I guess I'm more confused about that than anything else. I need change so badly... and I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Day 1

There's not much of that "shoot for the moon" stuff that works for me. I don't know if it's because I'm overly cynical or just a realist that likes to hear things as they are, but most things labeled inspirational do nothing for me. I found recently, though, something that does work for me. And I kind of lost that for awhile. But I got it back, and I'm moving forward with that new mentality: Today is Day 1.

Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the road you've been on, forget about your responsibilities and obligations for a moment and think of your life in a perspective free of the weights you pick up along the way. Even when practicality says otherwise, you have to look at every day as a choice. Even if you make the same choice you've made every day for years, there is empowerment in choosing again, and not just going along like you have been for that reason alone. Yesterday was hard. The week before that was even harder. But today... today is day 1. And today, I will be better.

2 all-nighters in 3 nights

Yeah, I don't recommend it. Since I am obviously not asleep yet even after 38 consecutive hours of awakeness, that makes for about 7 hours sleep in the last 86. Hours. Total. And that's uncomfortable hotel/plane sleep.

There's a story there. The mystery is probably better, but I'll tell it later. It involves a party. And a movie. And the airport. Not in that order. Quite an experience.

Yeah.

Actually, if you look at it right, I'm going to bed early. Not even midnight.




...yeah

a little more sunshine for the forecast

I'll be alright. I can get caught up in what's happening and what's not fairly easily- it happens when you don't get a removal from your own reality often enough. Yes, I struggle and yes, it's frustrating. But I'll be alright. I got to spend a few days away and that really gave me an opportunity to put things in perspective a little better. What's funny (ironic more than ha-ha) is that my view has shifted more since I got back than when I was there. I feel closer to moving on to the next phase of life than ever, I feel like the risky decisions I've made in forming direction in my own life have been the correct ones, and I need to go ahead and own that instead of trying to straddle the fence, or give myself an out. I'm on the right road for me. And I don't know who can follow me here, but someone will. I have so much further to go, I'm still so much a work in progress, but I'll be alright. I am alright. Days like these are good. Days like these make tomorrow seem a little less intimidating, yesterday seem a little more meaningful, and today wide open for anything. Here's to the new year. May something happen for everyone.

social defeat

I wanted to wait a few days to let things process before reporting on events of this past week, and I'm still not quite ready to do that, but felt I should write something anyway. I'm not ready for thoughts on all of my friends lives moving forward without me or a retrospective of this past year. I'm not ready for much. Every time I see my group of friends, which unfortunately isn't often enough, I feel like I should be so much better than I was. I should accomplish more, before seeing them. I don't want to be the same person I was. And I have such a hard time with people, I manage to keep even the ones I care about at a distance. And not just the miles from my home to theirs. Distance goes beyond that. I was right with them, right in the middle, and I still kept myself on the outside. I don't know how to be anything else. And what an awful feeling to have the rare occasion of spending time with friends and blowing it. This time was supposed to be different. It's always supposed to be different. And fear and whatever else absolutely buried me. Again. What better way to ring in the new year than with the same old story of how nothing has changed and life is still a struggle.