Here's what I would like to say to the jury duty people:
Hello? Hi, my name is Courtney Jones and I recieved a jury summons (for the third time this year) about two weeks ago and this is my attempt to get out of it. It says I'm supposed to respond within five days and I obviously haven't done that. I was in LA when it came in the mail and got back a couple days ago, but haven't called before now because, well, I'm not really the most dependable person when it comes to deadlines set by other people about something I don't understand, and in addition to that, have a seemingly unexplainable aversion to making phone calls. I talk to my attorney more than I talk to my best friend. It's nothing personal.
So anyway, I'm calling to let you know that I am an incredibly disorganized and unreliable flake that no one in their right mind would want sitting on a jury anyway. I've left stuff in hotel rooms after checkout twice in the last month, and have left my purse in four restaurants in that same timeframe. I can't show up to work on time to save my life, and the only reason I have what resembles a real job is because my dad hired me to answer the phone, which, see previous statement, causes ridiculous anxiety in my life. I only took what resembles this real job because a) I owe my dad bigtime for the money and time he's put in to my blossoming music career and b) I need all the money I can get. See, I'm a free-loading college dropout living at home rent-free because I just couldn't cut it in the real world. I've paid tens of thousands of dollars into my music to date, and am on the line for tens of thousands more, which, not surprisingly, I don't have. So in addition to constantly living under the pressure of spending tens of thousands of dollars of my and my parents money for something that odds are won't pan out to be even remotely profitable, I was a bit scatterbrained to begin with. In addition to music expenses, of which there are many, I also have pending legal and dental expenses and haven't taken care of my 2006 taxes yet. Basically I have very little chance of achieving even a remote amount of sanity.
Even if my brain functioned like a normal person's, I have no transportation to get me to the opposite side of the county at 8:30 in the freaking morning (have I mentioned the insomnia yet?). Not only do I have no car, I have no license. Parents both work, I have no friends that can take me (I'm rather limited when it comes to friends to begin with), there's no bus that goes that direction and no taxi within a 50 mile radius.
And even if on top of all that, if I was able to make it and for some reason was put on a jury, I am in the state of Oregon as much as I'm out of it, which wouldn't do anyone any good. I'm already booked, and I don't think that convincing people to pay me for missing gigs because of jury duty is going to fly.
So, unsympathetic jury duty nazi that only answers the phone between 8:00am and noon PDT, I'm really of no use to you. Please find someone else to fill my place (like, I don't know, one of my parents (who you can reach at the same address), since neither of them has ever received a jury summons). Really, you've given me more than my fair share of attention. Okay. Goodbye.
Think that'll do it?
8 comments:
Hello...
Yes, this is the unsympathetic jury nazi, how are you this morning?...
Well then Courtney Jones, you are a terrible citizen with no sense of community or the founding principles of our democracy....
O.k., you too. Have a nice day.
Hey, this reminded me of something.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac dog do at night?
to the unsympathetic jury (duty) nazi: does that mean I don't have to go?
and to whitney: I'm pretty sure a dyslexic agnostic insomniac stays up wondering if the there is a Dog, but if the subject is a dog already, he probably wonders if there is a God, due to his probable assumption that Deity would, in fact, also be a dog, which would kind of take away from the humor of it... so I give up. And why did that remind you?
You mentioned insomnia.
You're in the right neighborhood:
The dyslexic agnostic insomniac dog stays up all night wondering if he exists.
Yay, I was close! haha
Whitney. No. There is not supposed to be anything about a dog in the initial question. (Unless you were trying to rearrange it. In which case let me remind you there's a reason rearranging jokes that already work is not supposed to be done- you ruin them when you try. As evidenced in your comment above.)
I don't know, I think whitney's is better than the original.
that's what she said (and by she I, of course, mean Whitney)
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