2 all-nighters in 3 nights

Yeah, I don't recommend it. Since I am obviously not asleep yet even after 38 consecutive hours of awakeness, that makes for about 7 hours sleep in the last 86. Hours. Total. And that's uncomfortable hotel/plane sleep.

There's a story there. The mystery is probably better, but I'll tell it later. It involves a party. And a movie. And the airport. Not in that order. Quite an experience.

Yeah.

Actually, if you look at it right, I'm going to bed early. Not even midnight.




...yeah

a little more sunshine for the forecast

I'll be alright. I can get caught up in what's happening and what's not fairly easily- it happens when you don't get a removal from your own reality often enough. Yes, I struggle and yes, it's frustrating. But I'll be alright. I got to spend a few days away and that really gave me an opportunity to put things in perspective a little better. What's funny (ironic more than ha-ha) is that my view has shifted more since I got back than when I was there. I feel closer to moving on to the next phase of life than ever, I feel like the risky decisions I've made in forming direction in my own life have been the correct ones, and I need to go ahead and own that instead of trying to straddle the fence, or give myself an out. I'm on the right road for me. And I don't know who can follow me here, but someone will. I have so much further to go, I'm still so much a work in progress, but I'll be alright. I am alright. Days like these are good. Days like these make tomorrow seem a little less intimidating, yesterday seem a little more meaningful, and today wide open for anything. Here's to the new year. May something happen for everyone.

social defeat

I wanted to wait a few days to let things process before reporting on events of this past week, and I'm still not quite ready to do that, but felt I should write something anyway. I'm not ready for thoughts on all of my friends lives moving forward without me or a retrospective of this past year. I'm not ready for much. Every time I see my group of friends, which unfortunately isn't often enough, I feel like I should be so much better than I was. I should accomplish more, before seeing them. I don't want to be the same person I was. And I have such a hard time with people, I manage to keep even the ones I care about at a distance. And not just the miles from my home to theirs. Distance goes beyond that. I was right with them, right in the middle, and I still kept myself on the outside. I don't know how to be anything else. And what an awful feeling to have the rare occasion of spending time with friends and blowing it. This time was supposed to be different. It's always supposed to be different. And fear and whatever else absolutely buried me. Again. What better way to ring in the new year than with the same old story of how nothing has changed and life is still a struggle.