"hmm" moment

So many directions I could go here... I'll just pick one and get back to the others. Topic of choice: ........ uhh...... ... ... ... this is the part where I sum up the whole idea in one neat little package, but no one or two word phrases are coming to mind, so I'll just launch right in.

It occurred to me today that I have been existing on false assumptions. I'm a little slow, so no need to rub it in here, but honestly I was looking at myself and seeing that I'm constantly (and often in vain) searching for the right thing to say, etc, etc. I know perfectly well that I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, or should be, pretty much all the time. And really up 'til now it's been with the assumption that everyone else knows exactly what they're doing. And now that I'm beginning to think that's not necessarily the case, I'm not sure what to do about it. Makes me go "hmmm".

Hmmm.

spinning in circles

I feel like I owe the world a constant explanation. Not that the world cares, or that this reaches the world somehow, but when you're trying to argue your case to the world you have to start somewhere.

I've been beating my head against a wall for a really long time, and though I recently found a new wall, am still beating regardless of the newness of the wall. And I don't know how much longer I can hold all the pieces together without completely falling apart.

dust myself off

I should know better than to write at night. I don't really have the best perspective on things when it all catches up with me at the end of the day. I'll go out and try again. Why not?

when I speak I cross my fingers

I don't know where I was the day we learned to be around other people, but I was obviously not in attendance. Fully aware that social outings are not my strong suit, I've managed to avoid those particular situations for the better part of 2 1/2 years. This behavior apparently doesn't leave you with many friends. I thought I didn't need them.

I was wrong.

And now, I'm finding opportunities to leave the house and be around people, and a combination of being out of practice at something I couldn't do well to begin with- it's a pretty frustrating dilemma. And I don't know what to do about it. My mom says it'll get better, & I hope she's right. But I don't know how long I can go with it being worse... I'm swinging between awkward and lonely, and the only time I'm neither is when I'm by myself.

I don't know where to look, where to put my hands, where to stand, what to say, what to do... and not sometimes, or even most of the time- ALL the time. It's no one's fault. It just is. And I'm really, really tired of living in a constant state of uncomfortable and semi-panic. But I haven't a clue what to do about it. Staying inside is no solution, and it's the only one I've had for years. What now?

Law won

A lot of people assume things that come naturally to most people come naturally to all. I can assure you this is not the case. I've been, well, slow to catch on to a lot of these types of things. As part of an effort to change it up a little (and especially after a bad experience with our city bus system), I decided it might be about time I learn to drive.

I've been getting out a lot these past few weeks to get comfortable behind the wheel of a high-powered death machine, but I caught on fairly quickly, I think. You know, if you ignore the five or so years leading up to the last month. Scheduled my driver's test and everything (for March- are they only doing one a week??). So I'm driving around with my mom today, pulled into our first stop, executed a fine parking job, and decided to wait in the car instead of getting out. Mom back in, I pull out of the parking lot and get half a block when I see blinking lights in my rear view.

I definitely got pulled over. And ticketed. For not wearing my seatbelt.

First off, why is that even a law? And more importantly, why is it being enforced? Holy cow, are we really that hurting for crime in the greater Salem area? I didn't even know I could be ticketed as a permit driver (turns out you can, it should be noted). Not being in a financial position to suddenly develop this problem with authority, I did my best to plead my case, but what are you going to say? You either are or you aren't wearing your seatbelt at any given time. At that given time, I wasn't. And there's no chance of NOT getting a ticket- this officer's job was to do nothing but sit there and write up citations for the portion of the population that has such obvious disregard for the law that they don't wear their seatbelts. No kidding. He told me (not in so many words... but that's the general idea). For three days, one officer will sit and do nothing but the seatbelt sting. They answer no other calls, they look for nothing else. Seatbelt sting. Puke.

After the initial shock, my response was understandably to buy a new pair of jeans at our next stop. My mom's was to drive back by the officer and commit some other offense lawfully belted in, just to see if he really did nothing but seatbelt citations. (We didn't actually do that, but we were sure tempted.)

Apparently there's some class I can take (the "seatbelt diversion program"- I'm not even joking) that will probably take 5 hours to tell me to wear my seatbelt. Which, it should be noted, I do about 98% of the time. $100 ticket. Ridiculous. Ironic, also, and hilarious probably someday. But today is not someday. Today is Tuesday. And because it is Tuesday and not someday, it's still a bit close to be funny here. But just as today is not someday because it is, in fact, Tuesday, you are not here. You are there. And there, it's probably pretty dang funny.