It is amazing to me that some of the most destructive forces are difficult to distinguish, due to their close resemblance to common sense. Doubt. Worry. Fear.
I have a tendency to live my life in a very all or nothing fashion- completely in or out, high risk/high reward, with as little grey area as possible. The thought is that if you're right, you look brilliant and didn't waste any time getting there, and if you're wrong, downside you're probably screwed, but upside, ideally, is that it's easier to correct a wrong decision than indecision. On good days I move forward full of confidence, filling my head with thoughts of inevitable success and lying to the world about my own infinite insecurities. But on most days... most days I wake up and don't want to. I go through everyday wishing it was over, and that's no way to live. I don't recommend it.
It's not that I doubt the initial decision to come home to pursue music full time. Lately, though, I've been wondering if the way I've gone about it was right. Is right. I did so well in the beginning about not thinking of all I was missing. I wonder if it would have made a difference, staying.
I've buried everything so deep for so long... I wonder if I ever really had a chance. I wish so many thing were different. And I see everything I am, and everything I'm going through, and I know it's no one's fault but my own that I struggle. You can't cut yourself off and keep people at a distance then wonder why you're lonely.
So I'll go through the motions, listen to my sad songs, curse someday and be here until change has mercy on me.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry to get serious... but you started it. Your last line is wrong. You make decisions. YOU correct decisions/situations. We absolutely can NOT sit around and wait for change to come. It's YOUR life, Courtney. You have GOT To proactive with it. If you don't take the reigns no one will.
PS- I have to say here that I think correcting a wrong decision has GOT to be more difficult than correcting indecision. (But that's just me.) Besides it only really matters that they are BOTH correctable.
Time for me to shut up. This comment is as long as a post! It's just that I have recently been musing on this EXACT issue as it applies to my own life...
We are taught that we are in complete control of our lives but that's not necessarily entirely true. I can't get up tomorrow and disregard my debts, my obligations, and do whatever I want. With choices made we commit. I'm committed. I'm in the tunnel and the light at the opposite end is the shortest way out. It has to be.
And with regards to decisions made, odds are (completely subjectively and devoid of guidance) you'll get it right/wrong about half the time. I still submit that in terms of how you live your life, a pattern of indecision is harder to correct. But look at me. What the heck do I know.
I really appreciate you responding, pay no attention to the negative rambling. It's good to know I'm connecting with someone.
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