And yet, we exist

New and different has been my mantra for nearly six months now, and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you set your mind to something. I certainly have new and different. I am new and different. And life is strange, and messy, and complicated, and hard, really hard. But it's new. And different. And I never wish for a moment that I could go back.

I had given up on a lot of things. I had given up on myself. I didn't think I could ever change, or that there was anyone who could help me, or that I would ever be new and different. I was convinced of my own brokenness and ineptitude. I let my life be decided by the hands of others because it was easy. They knew better. I feared wrong decisions, I feared mistakes. Those fears created new fears. And in an effort to avoid facing them, I let them rule me. So I didn't do anything. I didn't decide anything. I let others.

It's been a very rough few days, weeks, and months. It's a time of transition, and dynamics are changing. We aren't expected to know how to adjust, but the test comes in how one handles the not knowing.

I didn't see how you could fight for something you weren't sure of. What I understand now is that it's not in the specifics. It's about being able to live, and stumble, and crawl, and fight, so that when you do stand up in spite of it all, you can let out a cry of victory because you alone were able to stand again.

Landscaping

Life is a fascinating mixture of confusion and clarity. I like that it's fluid- I like that action and consequence changes the landscape of our very existence. It's scary, but empowering. It's a potential that waits to be tapped in to, and those opportunities change and shift depending on which ones we take and which ones we let pass us by. I think I've seen it as scary for too long. I think I still see it as scary. And I think that in itself needs to change.

Thankfully, there's been a very slow growing light appearing at the end of a long tunnel over the last few days and weeks. I won't be here forever. There's an end, there's a plan, there is a way for me to grow up and have a life. And it's such a relief to catch even a glimpse of that. It'll be really interesting to see how it plays out, how life... plays out.

Sometimes the soundtrack of our lives calls for some silence.