new year, new life

I know that January is nearly over, but for better or worse I have this habit of taking things at my own pace.

This past year has been quite an experience. Last February was when I began my whole-hearted effort to change, and it's been a pretty incredible journey since. I went from having a few distant friends to a network of truly amazing people, whose love and support I'm not sure I deserve but I appreciate with all my heart. And it goes beyond having a place to hang out on the weekends- it's about being connected to people, being in a position to help and be helped. Enjoying the company of others, and trusting myself to be ok. I've found that through the help of others, I've grown and become a person I had given up on ever being a long time ago.

I'm happy now. That's the biggest change. I've had happy times and happy things in the past, but to really feel happiness in your very core, and go back to that after everything settles down... that's something quite different for me. Default happy. And I felt a clear transition internally to that several months ago.

It's an empowering feeling to suddenly see the world open up in front of you. There are countless opportunities to take advantage of, and I feel more capable than I ever have. Where I am now, what I have now, I've worked hard for it. And I know happiness requires a continued effort, but I know I can do it now and I know it's worth it, because happiness makes everything better. It feels lighter. And people notice.

I'm so different than I was. I've had a number of individuals say to me over the past months that they can tell a difference. It's in how I talk, how I carry myself... the change in confidence has been clearly evident. And that's not something I expected. But here I find myself almost exactly one year from my start of a dedicated effort of being better, being social, facing fears, and really working at an internal overhaul, and I'm looking at a completely different life. Interacting with people comes a lot easier these days. I'm Relief Society president. I have responsibilities. I'm trusted. I find myself with truly wonderful friends and family, and many individuals that blur the line between the two. And I'm in love.

I still expect rough days ahead, and I certainly feel my fair share of them now. But in both a general and specific sense, I've found love. I understand so much more than I did. I am happy.

And I'm ready.

well it goes like this

the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift

learning curve

Here is an apology to anyone who has ever given me sound advice: I'm sorry I'm a little slow.

I realized just this week something many of you probably know already, which is actually what I need to apologize for in the first place. I've found that I can be told something that I guess is true, but then one day weeks or months or even years down the road it will strike me as something new and brilliant. Then I usually let whoever was bright enough to already know of this particular epiphany I vow I will put into action in my life, and they are often heard to say at that point "yeah, I've been telling you...". So I'm sorry. Baby steps, with me, always the baby steps.

Traditionally I've had a large gap between realization and application, a gap I am now aware of and striving to close as much as possible. There's just a difference you feel when casual and accepted knowledge suddenly hits you as something you can't help but act on, and live differently than you had been, and there's a change in the way you approach things.

Today, I believe that it's not too late for me.