Fear itself

I always thought that one saw how strong they were and how far they'd come after climbing the mountain of whatever trial they were facing to look down upon the journey and know that they were victorious. What I've come to understand, however, is that growth in life doesn't really come from the peaks, it comes from the switchbacks. It's not about standing atop a conquered hardship, it is in feeling like you couldn't possibly take anymore only to be handed something more challenging than the first. It is not in resting- it is in pushing forward.

Fear and phobia have riddled my admittedly short existence thus far. I have a fairly extensive list of phobias that I will probably never be rid of completely, but my bigger problem has been fear. I learned a long time ago to be afraid. And I adapted my life to fit that fear instead of the other way around, as it should have been. I don't think I've made any particularly poor decisions, but I do regret lack of action in a lot of cases. I spent so much time walking on eggshells, often for no reason, feeling like at any moment I would be called out on doing something wrong. My solution was to do nothing, or as little as possible. It was an attitude of fear that explained so much of who I was.

My life has been far more eventful in the last year than the previous many for me personally. I've grown- I'm more capable, and I can feel the change in everything I do. It's been baby steps, and different changes have come over time one at a time. But where I feel the most difference has come in only the last week or two: I am not afraid anymore.

the follow-up

ok. ok, ok, ok.

I can be better. I can be braver. I can be happy.

I can try harder.

never enough

I keep waiting for something, I don't even know what. Some good news, some report of change. Some... thing. That would make my life much more interesting to read about. Fill one with the need to check back for the next exciting installment. But the truth is I have nothing. Not really. So this is what you get.

Dynamics are shifting, I am trying my best to adapt to all sorts of new emotional circumstances, and the hardest part I think for me is trying to do this while looking at the same scenery I've had out my window for so long now. So I'm here, I exist with the power to decide, and what am I deciding? What am I doing with all that power to determine a course? And how much has already been put in place, immovable, so all that's left is naught but to live with the consequences? And how much further am I expected to go on like this?

I feel so heavy, I have so much on my mind and no idea how to sort through it... I don't know how to process it all. I carry around a permanent headache, and can't even sleep through the night anymore. I always seem to be falling apart. I need help, and help is on the other side of the world. At least it's good for a song though, right? At least I'm good for something. I'm so glad I have all this misery and heart break to draw from so I can make a buck or two relating to all the others that have misery and heart break too. Life's just dandy.