the Kaleidoscope

In the New

2011-07-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

A lot of new. New patrol. New dog. New job. Trying to take deep breaths and not get overwhelmed.

Oh, new floors too. Well, very very old floors, but newly redone. That's one of those things Landon and I ran out of time with so it's up to me to put the last coat of finish on and be... finished.

Also, I'll need new towels. The two doggies are playing with one and I'm too tired to go reclaim it. Plus, they're happy and not making much noise or destroying anything valued over $4, so I'll let this one go.

Guy Speak

2011-06-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation between my husband and I:

L- What do you think of my new shoes?

me- I like them! I think they're.... I want to say "cute", but I know that's not right. What's guy speak for "cute"?

L- The dog nasty.

me- "The dog nasty" is the guy equivalent of "cute"?

L- Yep.

me- Those shoes are the dog nasty, love.

L- Thanks!

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Love you, Mom.

ibloggity crises

2011-04-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

I just updated my "music" blog, which I'm trying not to be ALL about music ALL the time, because I'm working on being more personal with friends, fans, and potential friends and/or fans. I have issues. Anyway, I thought the post I just.... posted..... would work for both so I'm just going to link right on over there...

http://courtneyjonesmusic.wordpress.com/

I'm aiming for a balance of both specific and vague, because I don't know who reads it and if one of the three people a day that checks my blog is a super weird stalker type, I don't want them to know enough to find me in person or steal my identity. Or steal me in person. That would be bad.

But since I assume I know all of YOU (hi friends!) I feel like it's ok to let you know that the reason I bounce around is because my hubby is on the ocean for months at a time and my parents and in-laws and other good friends are within driving distance. But I'm at home now, trying to make it look like I kept the place clean the whole time Landon was gone because he comes home in 2 DAYS! Yay! That's another one down, hopefully the next one is shorter because 75 days is a long time away. I miss him. But I'm happy he's back this week. And then...

Our anniversary? Two years? That can't be right.... Wait, yes it is. Somehow. Weird. Time flies. More later.

Better late than never?

2011-02-24T17:39:00.001-08:00

I have been a loser blogger lately, and I apologize. Life is hectic with a new house, a new puppy, a husband out on the ocean months at a time and a music career. Whew! Just putting all that out there makes me feel better.

I promise I will be better. I'm starting up a separate blog for my music so hopefully writing for that will remind me to write for this one as well. Ever on the road to self-improvement. On I go.

Here's the link to my music blog: http://courtneyjonesmusic.wordpress.com/

We're Proud Puppy Parents!

2010-12-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

Landon and I adopted a puppy! He's a cute little 7-week old boxer puppy, and we love him. He is smart and adorable. His name is Hawkeye. He doesn't know that yet.

I know there is a lot I need to catch up on... but that's for some other day. I'm sitting here in front of the fireplace, Landon is sleeping on the couch behind me, and our little pup is napping right next to me. They're both softly snoring. I wish I could capture this moment and keep it forever.

"She's doing this all herself?"

2010-11-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

BIG UPDATE: We got the house! I'm in it now working on remodeling the first room, the master bedroom, pics soon to follow! It's been such a whirlwind week I haven't had time to post before now...!

Small Victories

2010-11-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I bought groceries.

I have heretofore been rather unmotivated to accomplish this simple task, so today, I'm counting that as a win. And that's the big answer. How I cope. All the times I've been asked "How do you do it?" ("it" being, live without my spouse for months at a time), and that's it. Groceries.

I'm just over halfway through Landon's first long venture out to sea (with many more to follow), and I think I'm reaching a point where I'm ok. I've been trying to stay busy, take things a day at a time, and take pride accomplishments no matter how small. Between the house, a friend with two kids up the street, music, and doctor appointments I've kept the calendar pretty full, but beyond that I'm starting to recognize the small victories. And that's the key, really. Working out- small victory. Driving somewhere- small victory. Making a phone call. Eating yogurt. Getting out my front door. And today, groceries. All small victories.

I've had to fight the urge to "save things" for when he's home. I'm accepting, slowly, that I can watch our favorite show without him, I can go out to eat without him, that I have to be able to not only function but let myself enjoy life without him here. And that has to be ok. Misery doesn't prove I miss him more. These are lessons I'm learning, and ones I would never choose to learn on my own accord. I don't know what the months ahead have in store for us, but I finally felt just the other night for the first time that I have the ability to thrive in less than ideal circumstances. And I'm doing it. I still have good days and bad days, but ultimately, I know I'm stronger now than I was two months ago. Two years ago. And so on. And I think as long as I'm moving forward, even if it's alone at times, that I'll be just fine.

Eye on the Prize

2010-09-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Or, "What Doesn't Kill Me..."

So big news first- Landon and I are buying a house! Well, hopefully. Assuming the whole process over the next month and a half doesn't present any insurmountable problems or leave me so far removed from my sanity that I land in an institution.

The tricky part (in addition to the general trickiness I'm discovering is inherent in any house-buying) is that I am responsible for doing this all on my own. Landon left the day before we found out our offer was accepted and won't be back until three weeks after we move in. I'm going through a learning curve, for sure. So far I'm pretty proud of myself for scheduling an inspection and getting paperwork to our lender, although I feel like I'm just barely keeping ahead of some rabid beast chasing after me.

Paperwork is my least favorite part of anything, and I'm so anxious to get my hands on this house and start painting and ripping up carpet I can hardly stand it. I am certainly staying busy, and here I was wondering what I would fill my time with when Landon was away. Silly me. I should have counted on Life showing up.

Even with all the headache of the buying process I'm really, really excited. I will be sure to tell Landon, though, that he doesn't have to buy me a house every time he leaves just to keep me occupied.

I'm Maui-ed!

2010-09-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

So about a month and a half ago, my wonderful amazing fabulous awesome husband surprised me with a trip to Hawaii. We got on a plane a few weeks later, and spent a week in Maui for our slightly belated honeymoon. And it. Was. AMAZING.

I was adventurous and rugged. We filled every day with as much as we could, here are some highlights:

Snorkel Trip- we took a boat tour out to two different snorkeling locations. The ride itself was fantastic, and we even had dolphins swim alongside our boat for a little while. In spite of swallowing a liter of sea water my first time out, I got the hang of snorkeling and saw coral and a spectacular array of fish I had previously seen only in aquariums. We even got to swim with turtles, and thanks to our nifty under-water camera, got some great shots.

Zip Line Tour- I had never done a zip line tour before, but my sister did back in the spring and was raving about it for weeks. So when the opportunity arose for us to do one while in Maui, we took it. We had a blast! It was a pretty incredible feeling to be soaring over treetops and valleys, hundreds of feet in the air. The last line (there were seven total) was 3,600 feet long, and one of the guides said Landon easily went at least 60 mph. And our guides were way cool, both for the zipline and the snorkel tour.

Swinging Bridges Hike- One of the days we took a few hours to go hiking, and at every step we were surrounded by unbelievably beautiful scenery. Waterfalls off in the distance, bamboo and jungle foliage in abundance, creeks and rivers running alongside the trails... There were also two swinging bridges along the trail, which made for precarious fun. As hard as it was to pull myself away from the ocean, the hike was amazing and I'm glad we went.

Ocean You Can Swim In Without Getting Hypothermia- I'm not normally much of a water girl, but I loved being in the ocean. The temperature was perfect, I loved feeling the movement of it (a little different than Grandpa's pool), and we spent a lot of time swimming and snorkeling. Landon's uncle lives in Maui, and took us around one morning to 4-5 different beaches so we got to see a lot of different facets to the coastline there.

The Food- Hawaiian breakfast = awesome. I probably had french toast with bananas and macadamias and coconut syrup three different times and it was always ridiculously delicious. I had the best pulled-pork BBQ sandwich of my life. Shave ice is wonderful. Burgers from Cheeseburger in Paradise are also wonderful. I even ate sushi, and loved it so much we went right back the next night. Amazing food.

Landon and I were swimming in the ocean the last night we were there while the sun was setting. It was a spectacular sunset, but very bittersweet to be there in the midst of all that beauty and have to go the next morning. I've never been anywhere that's had such a profound impact on me that I was crying when I had to leave. I have to go back, and the sooner the better.

I had an amazing time, and we took lots of pictures. I'll just have to look at those to hold me over until next time!

Psychological warfare

2010-07-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having some major inadequacy dreams. I'm pretty sure I know why, but that's irrelevant as pertaining to this blog post. They aren't just scary dreams either. They're not really scary at all, in a traditional sense. These are custom made for Courtney bad dreams, designed specifically to make me feel completely and utterly worthless. So my brain, pulling from the deep dark recesses to find the one thing that will disturb and make me question my self-worth more than anything else, has decided the cruelest thing to do to me... is put me in math class.

I'm not even kidding. This has gone on several nights in a row. Math class. Every time. I haven't even had a math class in almost seven years. Evidently, it was a more scarring experience than I gave it credit for. Sure, I like to think of myself as at least a passably intelligent human being, so I don't really enjoy being so inept at something so simple. But I wouldn't have thought with my conscious brain that math class- above all else in my entire lifetime- would be the most poignant reminder of personal ineptitude.

So when I throw a comment out there like "I'm not real good with numbers", I mean it. I have the nightmares to prove it.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Irony at the Airport

2010-07-22T00:20:00.001-07:00

I'm in LA for a second time in about a month, mostly to work on music stuff but secretly to hang out with the Malicks (because they're awesome). It's my first experience co-writing, and it's been wonderful. We've cranked out 4 1/2 songs in 3 1/2 days, so we're calling it a definite win. And they're really good songs too. Added bonus.

The irony came at airport security. I was waiting for my bag to reappear on the the other side of the luggage car wash when I noticed several security people looking very intently at the screen. I made eye contact with one of them as he came over to attach bag with owner and take a closer look. He apologized for the inconvenience, then pulled my scriptures out of my backpack and said "Oh, this is it." Apparently, because of the thin pages it looks like one solid brick on the x-ray machine (and shows up in a "bad color", I was told), and due to its size, it appeared to be a solid brick of C4 or something like it on their monitors. Honestly the security guard was amused that the suspicious object turned out to be a religious text. I was too.

Human Stampede

2010-07-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

On June 26th, I ran my first half-marathon.

Anyone who witnessed my pathetic attempts at jogging all through junior high and high school will attest to how great a miracle this truly is. It was amazing. Even though I didn't feel completely ready for it, I did it. And this, like some things in life, you do just to finish.

It came at the end of a crazy few weeks. Landon flew off the Virginia, and I spent two weeks toodling around the greater Salem area. I picked him up from the airport on a Thursday, we hung out a couple days, and then I flew off to LA for a music thing (which is a post for another day, but totally totally cool). I was there for another few days, then came back to Salem, then drove up to Seattle the next day for race check-in and the expo. I had never been to a race expo before, and let me tell you, it was an experience. I sampled so much energy goo I'm surprised I got any sleep that night. But I'm a sucker for free samples.

The next morning, we drove the two miles down to the start line (along with 27,000 other people). Needless to say, it was fairly slow going. We ditched the car (we being me and my parents, who participated along with my brother and sister-in-law), and left it in Landon's hands to get back to the hotel and then come find all of us at the finish line later. He was a good sport about the whole thing, and made it all logistically possible (thanks honey).

I stuck with my mom because we were in the same starting corral (we were indeed feeling like cattle, so the name was fitting), but by the time we got there everyone was moving so we jumped in a few corrals back. Which is probably where I belonged anyway. We followed some runners cutting in where the fence was open, and they were ready to close it up right behind me so I turned back and yelled "MOM!" and they let her through too. It would have been a long walk in the wrong direction otherwise. I guess it was a decent walk to the actual start line but it kept moving pretty well and there were so many people and so much adrenaline that I didn't really notice. We saw the big banner ahead at last, and before I knew it we were on our way.

*IMPORTANT SIDE STORY* So.... we get up to Seattle the night before the race, right? We check in to our hotel, start making dinner plans, etc, and suddenly at 7:30pm as I'm laying out my race outfit for the next morning, a very dark realization sunk in. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, you've got to be kidding me!!" Sure enough, I had left my shoes in Oregon. My SHOES, people. Like, the ones I had been running in for months and was planning on running in for 13.1 miles the next morning? Those shoes. My RUNNING shoes. Landon, who I was convinced was realizing he had married the biggest idiot on the planet, shook his head, chuckled a little and said "Well, I guess we better find you some shoes then." So we did. At 8:00pm we pulled up to a big mall by the Olive Garden where we were eating which was thankfully still open, went straight to Lady Footlocker and found my shoes. I took the display, presented it to the lovely employee there and told her I needed a 6 1/2, and held my breath as she went to the back room. She came back with a box, I blurted out my whole tragic story, and then we made our purchase. And found out Footlocker gives a military discount. On our way out of the mall, Landon says to me "Anything for a new pair of shoes, huh?"

The course was very pretty, and with the exception of the final mile, no severe hills. I ran with my mom for the first three, then she left me in the dust when I had to walk. I quickly learned I was not coordinated enough to run and drink at the water stations at the same time. It was a surreal experience to run alongside thousands of people, a human stampede. I felt really solid through ten miles, which surprised me and I'm very happy with. The last couple of miles were very hard. But we got to run along the water for while, through a tunnel, up on the freeway express lanes then finally through town, and it was an adventure. I finished just under three hours, and I'm happy with that. I plan to do more in the future. In my shiny new running shoes.

I had a small burst of energy left and crossed the finish line with it. Someone gave me a medal, which I put on and it was heavy. I wandered for a couple of minutes but found my dad pretty quickly- a huge relief. It was good to have him right there, I needed to be told to stay hydrated, get one of those foil blankets to stay warm, and eat something, none of which I wanted to do, initially. We gradually found our other family members, took pictures, and headed to the train to get back to the car. I was so sore I could barely walk. I loved saying I ran 13.1 miles for the rest of the day though, and my new shoes are pretty awesome. All in all a great experience, and I look forward to my next one.

My feet were fine, by the way.

America, the beautiful

2010-07-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'll catch you up on all the craziness of my life soon, but for today, I wanted to share all the verses of "America the Beautiful".

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet
Whose stern impassioned stress
A thoroughfare of freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God mend thine every flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!

O beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife.
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every gain divine!

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for halcyon skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the enameled plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till souls wax fair as earth and air
And music-hearted sea!

O beautiful for pilgrims feet,
Whose stem impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till paths be wrought through
wilds of thought
By pilgrim foot and knee!

O beautiful for glory-tale
Of liberating strife
When once and twice,
for man's avail
Men lavished precious life!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The banner of the free!

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till nobler men keep once again
Thy whiter jubilee!

2010-05-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Baked Goods,

I should have done this a long time ago. I tried to convince myself that our undeniable chemistry would make everything ok- love conquers all, right? Well. I have finally decided to leave you.

You're just no good for me. You build me up and I feel amazing when you're around but as soon as you're gone I feel sick. You've been toying with me for a long time, but no more. Things have to change.

I am now seeing Fruit. We've been going out almost a week now, and even though the spark that we shared isn't there, I know Fruit will treat me better. Maybe I'll even learn to love Fruit one day. Sure right now I'm still missing you, but I have to give Fruit a chance, for my own well-being. I hope you understand.

I was fooling us both thinking we could go on like we were. I hope we can still be friends, maybe meet for lunch and catch up every once in a while. Really. Let's still be friends.

Yours truly,
Courtney

PS- when we meet for lunch, bring your buddy Chocolate.

Out with the old

2010-04-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

We're headed to Astoria. In just a few days, now. And unless we are hit by some unforeseen circumstance (which very well can happen), we should be there for a few years. Which sounds very permanent considering how much we've been bouncing around this last year.

To explain to blog title, I am realizing I need a new system. Up 'til now, it's been "oh, we're moving. time for a new toothbrush." or "oh, we're moving. we should change the water filter." In the interest of my health and hygiene, I need a new system.

We've been doing our best to house and apartment -hunt via the internet and have found a couple of seemingly suitable options. One cute little house that we/I have grown particularly attached to, even though I should know better. It'll be nice to walk through some places, and I hope settling into a nice place will be as painless as possible. I'm getting excited now that it's practically upon us. Good timing.

In other totally exciting news, Landon graduated from A School today and advanced to the rank of petty officer! I am very proud of him and was happy to be part of the ceremony. Also, he looked very handsome all dressed up in his blues.

In other other totally exciting news, our one year anniversary is Sunday. I can't believe it. That was the fastest year ever. To celebrate, we're moving.

I'm Running a Half Marathon

2010-03-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

or, A Brief History of Jones Family Running

It started with the Monmouth/Independence annual 4th of July parade. Awesome, in all its podunkitude. Every 4th of July, for my entire life, I and thousands of others have flocked to this gem of small town America to celebrate my brother's birthday. Just kidding, that's just what we tell him. Really we're celebrating cheesy floats, kamakazi street crossings, horses, and free candy. It's quite spectacular. Some of the flocking thousands include a majority of my mom's side of the family. The 4th of July and Christmas are our big holidays, and I love that we get to see most of the family twice a year- it's understood that anyone that can make there, does.

Now before this annual parade, there is also an annual "mini marathon", about 2.5 miles along the parade route. A ridiculous number of people participate, ranging from very serious runners to very not serious runners. Our family knew that my aunt was a serious runner for a while (not that she ever runs this particular race seriously- just the marathons and halfs and stuff), and she would run the mini and gradually convince others in the family it was a good idea to go as well. Then, in just the last couple of years, more and more family members got involved. And then it was a "thing". Suddenly there's no fewer than a dozen of us lining up to run this silly 4th of July race, and even I got involved for last year's run. So did both of my parents. And all of my siblings (minus one, who would have if he hadn't been ill). Most of them started "training" a little before so as not to look silly. I started training three days before and did indeed end up looking silly. We all ran, cousins, aunts, siblings, and parents, and I came in dead last. By a LOT. But it stuck.

In the months since, my dad is running an unbelievable number of miles per week and my oldest brother is training for a marathon. The whole family has gotten very into it, and honestly it's been a wonderful thing to happen us. I have personally tried to be runner since January but confess I have been inconsistent. Then, just a few days ago during my weekly call to my mother, I was invited to run a half marathon in June. My parents were both running in it, my brother running the coinciding marathon, and several others from church were going too. A half marathon? Half. Marathon. The only consistent running I had ever done was in high school gym class and I despised it, and the only marathons I had been involved in were tv related. My longest run to date was 5.5 (would have been less but I got lost). But I said "Sure! I'll do it! Sign me up!" before I could overthink my way out of it. The truth is, I've needed something like this to work toward, a real reason to push myself. If I'm not ready for it, I can't go calling the other 24,999 participants and ask them to hold off another month. I have to be ready.

I've completed two training days- the training schedule I'm using is ambitious but necessary- and I'm feeling alright. I'm nervous. About running. Which seems a little silly on principle for me. But I remember my brother once saying something like "Nervous is a sign you know what's going on". So better nervous than oblivious. It'll be a journey, for sure. Right now, I'm just looking to finish, and running decently would be great. I'd rather not be last, but mostly I want to finish.

And how awesome is this training to smash that darn 4th of July race that's been haunting me.

More to come.

Spring Break visitors

2010-03-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's taken six months of living in northern California, but now I feel like I have experienced San Francisco. Landon's parents and brother came into town, we got to show them around the base, and we all went to explore San Francisco. Now I can say that I have been across the Golden Gate Bridge, walked Fisherman's wharf and Ghirardelli Square, been down Lombard street, and driven through very, very hilly nice neighborhoods. We saw some pretty parks, passed numerous trolleys, and took pictures. It was a lot of fun, and I'm so glad we finally took the opportunity to see the city before we move next month.

As an added bonus, I successfully cooked a full Sunday dinner for five- YES! So I'm pretty proud of myself.

I also made cookies. Twice.

Running in the Rain

2010-01-26T23:07:00.000-08:00

I renewed my commitment to run last week. It's easier these days, with my family being the crazy bunch of runners they are now, plus my Nike+ (which I love). Add in my sickening amount of free time and living in a fairly flat area, I have ideal conditions that I know won't last forever. With that in mind, I kind of see this as my chance to break into it, try and make it a habit while I have these advantages.

I've had short periods of time in the last 8 months where I've tried to run consistently, and last Saturday was a new Day 1. Armed with my new Nike+ wristband and an iPod, I bravely headed out the door to start being a runner. I was a block away from my apartment when the blue sky very suddenly disappeared and it started hailing. HAILING. I was being pelted in the face by ICE. It came down hard and fast and completely unexpectedly. But something weird happened. I smiled. My mother's voice came into my head saying "At a certain point, it's not like you're going to get any wetter." And so I embraced it. After a minute, the hail wore off and turned into a slushy heavy rain. And I was still smiling. As a matter of fact, the harder it rained, the happier I felt. I found the whole thing oddly exhilarating.

Different thoughts ran through my head. "How committed I must look!" "Well, I'm definitely not going to get over-heated." "I bet I'm really confusing people. Cool." Something in me loved that everyone else was scurrying to get out of the rain, angry they had chosen this particular window of time to venture out. No one else wanted the rain. But I did. The rain is familiar, like an old friend. And it was there to keep me company, pushing me to finish.

It finally let up when I came within a quarter mile of finishing, and then the novelty wore off. I realized I was freezing, my clothes were cold and heavy, and my feet were very squelchy in my shoes (I wrung out an impressive amount of water from my socks shortly after arriving home). I guess being thoroughly soaking wet is only fun when you're caught out in the rain. Once I was back home I had to start the process of wringing out and hanging up all my layers, drying out my shoes, making sure my iPod and Nike+ stuff were ok after so much water exposure, and getting myself back above hypothermic levels. So that was less fun. But I hope I can recapture that feeling I had running in the rain.

I hope I can keep myself running. I've never been good at it. I don't have much speed, I definitely don't have much stamina, but hopefully this is the time it sticks. I want to be in better shape. And I definitely want to sleep better. Perhaps above all I don't want to come in last on the 4th of July.

**It should be noted that rain is ok only if it starts AFTER you start running...

**Also, I wouldn't choose to run in such conditions every day

Casting Beauty and the Beast

2010-01-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

My brother Logan recently blogged about his "dream cast" for the animated favorite, Swan Princess. And he did a really, really awesome job. So I thought it would be a lot of fun if we both came up with a Beauty and the Beast cast and then compare notes. I clicked on his blog and saw that he had posted his, but I didn't read it yet so I can write mine more objectively. So here goes...

Belle- Kate Beckinsale. Perhaps a little obvious, but Kate Beckinsale rocks, and I think she could play all the dynamics of Belle very genuinely. Belle has to have a dreamer side, a stern side, a compassionate side, a tough chick side, a brush-off-Gaston side, a look really good in a ball gown side, etc, etc, and KB can do it all. Keira Knightly would have done a wonderful job too, but my cast tended to lean a bit older.

Maurice- WIlliam H. Macy. I briefly considered Robin Williams, but thought it would be difficult arguing his sanity. William H. Macy is the perfect father figure in my story, and could give just the right amount of eccentricity without being too out there.

Gaston- Hugh Jackman. He can totally carry off the over the top attitude of Gaston, plus he's ripped, and if it were a musical version he could sing too. HJ was the first person I mentally cast, and I would love to be able to see him as Gaston.

Lafou- Giovanni Ribisi. Despite the in-charge role he had in Avatar, I think GR would play an ideal sidekick. A little snivelly, ready to continually boost Hugh Jackman's ego, and devious enough to go along with any dastardly plan his bff comes up with. As an added bonus, he's a full 7 inches shorter than HJ.

Lumiere- Hugh Laurie. I struggled with this one. First, I wanted Paul Bettany, and then I wanted Robert Downey Jr, both of which would have played a delightful and convincing Lumiere. But Hugh Laurie won out because of his superior chemistry with my Cogsworth, who is...

Cogsworth- Stephen Fry. British. Proper. And goes back with Hugh Laurie for so many decades, their relationship would be totally believable and their on screen banter would be priceless.

Mrs Potts- Emma Thompson. I can't believe how long I struggled with Mrs Potts simply due to the little flirtyness that happens with Maurice at the very end of the movie. I needed someone motherly, orderly, and that would fit well with William H. Macy as the other parental figure. Emma Thompson was my answer.

Beast- Wentworth Miller. Yes, that guy from Prison Break. Tell me he can't do bitter and angsty, while looking great with KB at the end of the movie.

Added bonus! Tim Curry as the creepy guy from the asylum. For obvious reasons.

So there you have it. I spent a lot of time worrying about the chemistry and all the different relationships between the characters, and now I realize now that Logan makes it look easy. But I feel pretty good about my choices. Now I get to go read his blog.

My issue with Walmart

2010-01-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

Yes I shop there. Not often, but we're budget-conscious newly-weds and it's five minutes away, so sometimes necessity calls. I've found that having a list gives me a greater chance of holding on to more of my sanity, but most of the time I'm in a rush to leave within a few minutes of entering. Also, for the last time Guy In The Parking Lot, we do not want any tamales.

But my real issue with them comes from a commercial. I think their "family moments cost less at Walmart" campaign is a solid one, but one commercial in particular irked me.

They show a family playing Monopoly. Full of potential (although showing MY family playing Monopoly would likely do more harm than good for the wholesome family togetherness vibe). The "mom" narrator says something about the daughter being "competitive", but "then she did something nice", followed by "I pretended not to notice".

The "nice" thing the sister did? Give the little brother a hotel. Which he proceeded to put on Mediterranean, next to his one house on Baltic.

There are SO MANY problems here.

First off, if the sister character here was truly competitive, she would do no such thing. I am unclear as to whether or not it would be considered a legal move to purchase or hotel for someone else, but why would you want to? Then, the little brother puts it on Mediterranean with one house on Baltic already. You can't put one house on one and a hotel on the other- there can only be a one house difference on your monopoly, duh. Plus, if you could get away with breaking that rule, why would you put the hotel on Mediterranean? To make it a whopping $250? At least Baltic would be $450. And then probably my favorite part- the mom "pretends not to notice"?? How could you possibly pretend not to notice? And where is the dad in all this? Sigh....

It's a known policy in the Jones house that you play hard and honestly, no matter the age or status of your fellow competitors. Oh it's your first time playing? Too bad. Only three years old? Tough luck. That's how you learn. And when you do win, you know you've earned it. That's how WE do family moments.

I'll be home for Christmas. Actually, tomorrow.

2009-12-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

I'm very busy here not packing. There's a Blazer game on (one of those rare occasions where it's nationally broadcast, hooray) and frankly, I feel like procrastinating the pack. I usually do. I tell myself some lame little reason that makes me smile, like the longer I wait, the less wrinkled everything will be.

I'm thinking about fun things. Like seeing both of my families- the one I was lucky enough to be given and the one I was lucky enough to marry into, anticipating lots of yummy food and big comfy sweaters that disguise the physical result of consuming said yummy food, how to break it to Landon that I've had his Christmas shopping done for two months and have been secretly hiding his presents, and when I get to have more apple pie (nevermind that I ate half a pie earlier this week).

I love Christmas shopping. I'm very proud of the attention to detail and the personal ideal of my gifts. And for most people, I find things that just fit the person and it's over and done. However, my dad is one of the hardest people to shop for on the planet. So it is with him in mind that I pay close attention to all those commercials that tout their product/store as the perfect solution for that hard-to-shop-for friend/family member. According to these overly-confident companies, Dad will be receiving an "edible arrangement" and something from a fishing pro shop. Maybe a gift card.

For those of you that don't know my dad, trust me, that's funny.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2009-12-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

I think the time from Thanksgiving to New Years is magical. It helps, in our house, that I married a Christmas junkie. Even with the knowledge that we'll be in Oregon for the last two weeks of December (yay!), we went out and got ourselves some holiday cheer in the form of a 3' tree. It is proudly decorated and displayed on our kitchen table. Good ol' Relief Society gave me the chance to make a few other decorations, so we're doing what we can here. Sadly, my advent calendar was left in Oregon, so for the first December of my life I am advent calendar-less :( But we'll bring it back with us after our holiday trip so we'll have it for next year.

It's kind of strange not having 20+ years of collected decorations at your disposal to put up around the house. But you have to start somewhere, I guess. And what we do have is about 4 solid days worth of Christmas music, which has been on pretty much non-stop since Thanksgiving. Time has been going by fast, and pretty soon we'll be on the road and off to see our families. I'm super excited!

Filled with new confidence after my apple pie turned out, I'm actually HOSTING a Christmas party next week- crazy, I know. I don't even like parties. But Christmas makes it different. So bring on the pies, desserts, and ugly Christmas sweaters- we're having a party.

Wish me luck!

Thanks giving

2009-11-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

As this Thanksgiving day draws to a close, I find myself feeling a lot of gratitude for some of the little things that mean a lot, such as:

1. Landon and I finally got to spend a holiday together

2. My first attempt at making my very own pie was successful, even the home-made pie crust

3. Even though we were away from our families, a group of us coasties and wives came together to make our own kind of family for the holiday

4. Christmas music is now officially acceptable

5. Thanksgiving dinner was wonderful, and made by someone else (I'm glad I only had to worry about the pie!)

I am so grateful for where I am, for Landon, my family, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving.

Courtney on tv!

2009-10-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

More specifically, Courtney's SONG is on tv! My song "weightless" is being used in an NBC promo for Law & Order SVU! I got the call that I was in the final stages of selection early last week but didn't hear back about it until we got a phone call from Landon's parents congratulating us on having my song in the commercial. Since then I've gotten phone calls and lots of facebook attention and it's been great to hear from everybody. Ironically, in spite of my sudden religious watching of NBC, I have yet to actually see the ad. But I trust it's there.

Hopefully this snowballs into other opportunities- we'll see. Pretty exciting though!

Thomas at Target

2009-10-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Landon and I were making one of our frequent visits to Target when we found ourselves cutting through the kids toy aisle. For some reason, when I walked through my motion set off a Thomas the Tank Engine toy who proceeded to speak to me. It surprised me and I didn't appreciate it, so I jokingly informed Landon that "we were not talking to Thomas". It was at this moment that a stranger came into the kids toy aisle from the other direction, and gave me a very odd look. After a few moments of confused silence, he said "Oh, my name's Thomas". At which time I felt my cheeks turn red as I embraced the humor in what had happened, the horror at how unintentionally rude I had been to a stranger, and the surprise that this had happened in the first place, all at the same time. "Oh, my name's Thomas".

Stupid tank engine.

trading sunshine for pumpkins

2009-10-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I love the fall. I felt a little out of my element living in southern California over the summer (I'm not complaining, just saying...) and although the weather was freakishly gorgeous every day, I didn't grow up on the beach in sandals and shorts 365 days a year. I own one pair of shorts and had to invest in a nice pair of flip flops. But now fall is coming.

Fall means apple pie. And stew. And the smell of pumpkin spice. And sweaters and jackets, which I have a fair collection of. It means blankets and warm boots, and hot chocolate. It means the start of basketball season and the ushering in of the holiday season. I love all these things.

Signs for pumpkin patches and corn mazes have been popping up in the last week or so, and we're making plans to go with our awesome new friends the Youngs (Becca and Zach, not to be confused with Christy and Jared although we wish you were close enough to come with us too!). Zach is Landon's A school bff, and lucky for me his wife is pretty cool too so we've been hanging out the four of us quite a bit.

To catch up on our adventures, Landon and I have recently had our first Ikea experience. We realized by the third hour of being there that we were unprepared for such an excursion, and although we love having our tv off the floor and on a proper piece of furniture, we will be returning for some other essentials in the near future. We're still working on being big people and getting our home together. We've also been enjoying $7 bowling (that's for two pairs of shoes and a lane for an hour, plus free soda) at the base, and so far, happily, that's been a weekly occurrence. I've been getting some good scores in the 140's and Landon finally got his Spiderman bowling bowl drilled, so I imagine we'll make quite a pair at our next family reunion cosmic bowling night.

We still have a little unpacking to do in our new place but we're settling in nicely. I've had a couple of kitchen disasters but successfully made oatmeal brownie drops yesterday, so even though there continues to be a funny smell coming from somewhere in there, I believe we're coming to some sort of understanding ("we" being the kitchen and me). Also, our new friends happened to have an extra microwave lying around, so that's made life a little easier too.

So cheers to the good smelling things of autumn and my appropriate wardrobe for such weather. Hello fall.

Petaluma, here we come

2009-09-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

The newest Bingham family is on the move again. We are packing the remainder of our belongings (actually, I should be doing that instead of blogging, but whatever) and saying goodbye to our first apartment. We'll get the truck and pack that tomorrow then take off for the cows and country of northern California. I joined Landon for the tail end of apartment hunting in Petaluma Sunday and I'm pretty excited about our new place. The town itself is nice because it has everything close- Target, Safeway, Costco, Walmart, Best Buy, all those kinds of stores are only a few minutes away. Anywhere outside the center of the town though, reminds me of the hill where my grandparents live. Farmland, as far as the eye can see. It might drive me nuts if we were there long term, but we're not anywhere long term so we get to try out all kinds of places.

Busy days, busy weeks.

Also, on a very important note, there's a Jamba Juice a mere fifteen minutes away. Yay!

good for a smile

2009-07-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

-awesome people who pretend to know you so you can be second in line for Harry Potter, and score perfect seats

-overhearing a guy explaining Sneetches to his date at a restaurant

-baking yummy muffins and banana bread

-the Craigslist "free" section

-a perpetually empty pool across the street, along with ideal swimming weather

-Rainbow sandals

-beating Landon at cards

dreaming (a "motivation" follow-up)

2009-07-24T13:58:00.001-07:00

Ok, so after sitting with my last entry for almost a day, I realize it comes off a little odd. This is an attempt to paint a little more context around my randomness.

Those of you who know me (which should be all of you, if you're reading this) either know already or won't be shocked to find out that I have chronic insomnia. To help with this, I take melatonin supplements (which is what you're brain is supposed to produce naturally anyway, mine just needs a little help). And it generally works wonderfully. My family can attest to my much improved mood over the last year or two compared to the previous.... well, that's not important.

Anyway, one of the side effects of this stuff (besides "drowsiness"- duh) is vivid dreams. So two nights ago, already having running on my mind, I have a running dream and a trainer from a show I was watching. Makes sense. It comes from somewhere. When I wake up that dream world melts away but I'm usually left with the feelings from it for a little bit. Last night I dreamed something about being in or directing a choir, with one of my favorite pieces from my junior year of high school that apparently my sub-conscious remembers exceptionally well. And I wake up missing choir. I hadn't even really thought about it like that in a while, but I miss singing in a big group, in foreign languages, a capella, with all those moving vocal lines and watching the director and all that. Turns out I really do miss it. And unless church choir really steps it up here I don't see another opportunity I'll have to be part of something like that.

Dreams are funny things. They fascinate me. Maybe it's a form of gratitude since I went so long without them.

motivation

2009-07-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

So I've been neglecting my blog lately... oops. I think I'm torn between what I should write, in a traditional blog good-information-for-you-to-have, update-on-my-life fashion, or I what I want to write, more of the funny-random stuff that is largely, if not entirely, pointless.

For example, what I should write is that Landon got his orders, so we'll be moving from Santa Barbara to Petaluma (about 40 miles north of San Francisco) for A school (military training centers for specific jobs within the Coast Guard) in September. I might also write that I am finally taking advantage of the pool in our complex, learning how to swim, and working on a nice tan that helps prove I've lived in California this summer.

What I want to write, however, is more along the lines of I had this dream last night that I was a runner, and Jillian from The Biggest Loser was my trainer, and it felt pretty awesome.

I've actually been trying to motivate myself to run (in real, awake life) ever since the 4th of July and I'm still struggling. I'm horrible. I have no stamina and I can't breathe after half a lap, it's terrible. I'm trying to baby-step my way into it but I just need to go out and do it. My family's all doing it back in Oregon. It's something I've always wanted to do but never though I could. And I just watched the final few contestants on the Biggest Loser, people that months prior weighed hundreds of pounds each, run a marathon. A MARATHON. 26.2 miles. Why can't I?

dining and a dining table

2009-06-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

It took us a couple of months but we finally purchased a kitchen table this week. Like most things, we found it on Craigslist, and like most things on Craigslist, it needs a little work. When we first saw it in it's now previous environment I had my hesitations, but Landon, always one to see potential, saw what it could be and I trust his judgement. He got talking about sanding and refinishing and sounded really happy to have a project. I in turn was happy that the finished product would look (and smell) much better than my only interactions with it so far. He came home yesterday covered in dust with a big smile on his face, and reported good progress. So now, instead of feeling nervous about parting with my $50, I feel like we've adopted this table and are giving it a better home. And I can feel good about that. I'm very excited to see the finished product. And as functional as the white-board-laying-across-stacked-Rubbermaid-bins has been for a dining table, having a real table will be nice.

When Landon was no longer covered in dust, we both realized we were very hungry and soon set off on a quest for pizza (after a short pause to watch some basketball highlights- we're sad that the season is over). I don't know why we didn't just go to the pizza place a mile from our house, but I didn't question when we headed into downtown. We found some parking close to where we thought this place would be, and set off on foot to find it. I don't know if I ever fully convinced Landon that the by-the-slice place we were seeking was no longer in business, but after some fruitless though dedicated searching we headed back toward the car. In our driving and walking, however, we had passed "Pacific Crepes" several times, and as we walked back in the direction of our car, we decided to dine there instead of questing further for pizza. Which turned out to be a most excellent choice.

It was a pretty small place, and I was instantly intimidated by all the beautiful, genuine french that met my ears. I think I counted 3-4 people that worked there total, running the whole operation. And not only was the wait-staff all very french, so was everyone else in the restaurant. I managed to order something that sounded delicious AND was highly recommended by the waitress, and after that I began to feel a little less intimidated. It turned out to be a wonderful meal. Landon's french onion soup (the soup of the day, go figure) was amazing, my dinner crepe was amazing, our dessert crepe was amazing, and this quaint, delicious little place really grew on us very quickly. You can't really go wrong with crepes anyway, but we walked out of there full and happy, like it wasn't just a meal, it was an experience.

We returned to our car, which thankfully was a short walk, and realized that we only had four minutes to take advantage of free parking (it seems like everywhere downtown Santa Barbara is free for the first 75 minutes, I don't know why). We had to drive down several levels and had a car sneak in front of us and it got pretty intense there for a minute or two, but happy ending- we handed in our ticket with two minutes to spare. Which was good. Because not having $1.50 on us would have been awkward.

One 23

2009-06-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

I was bracing myself for a very quiet birthday. It's never huge and flashy anyway (with the possible exception of last year, to give Landon some credit), but with Landon gone almost two weeks now with next to no communication and me visiting his grandparents who were already going above and beyond in hospitality, I didn't hold out much hope for a big celebration. Which was fine. It's never been of huge importance to have my birthday recognized in some extraordinary way, and especially with all the other recent and current events- for both families- it just wasn't at the top of my list to make a big deal about.

Last night though, as I went to bed, it started to sink in that my family is scattered across the nation at the moment and I probably wouldn't hear from Landon at all. And it hit me harder than I expected. But then my day came. I awoke this morning to Sydney bringing me a little german chocolate cake with a candle, and a gift bag full of goodies (like nice shampoo, which I've missed, and an adorable pair of earrings she picked out herself). My parents and parents-in-law had both sent gifts to the house, but of course I had opened them at midnight because it was technically my birthday and I couldn't wait any longer. So the birthday I was not expecting began early and stayed good all day. I took a nice long shower and made myself up a little for whatever was going to happen, then was taken to Laguna and treated to thai food- always a favorite. After that we did gelato for dessert- again, favorite- then headed back to the house where I made cupcakes. Because you have to have cupcakes on your birthday, ask any of my siblings.

Throughout the day I got to talk to many friends and family members dear to my heart. And for two minutes by satellite phone, I even got to talk to Landon :) It was completely unexpected and brief but wonderful, and I can go to bed tonight without the little letdown that I'm sure would have come in the absence of that phonecall no matter how grand the rest of the day was.

So I really did have a happy birthday.

Thanks everybody.

I saw dolphins

2009-05-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

I knew months in advance that I would be moving here. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I knew it was coming. I expected to miss my family and the wonderful people I know and love back in Oregon. Now that I'm here though, I've come to feel some unanticipated losses, little things I didn't see coming in all my preparation to leave.

I miss my 4runner. A lot. Sure it doesn't get the greatest gas milage in the world, but I spent a lot of quality time with that car. We understood each other. I knew how to drive it, how to park it, where the e-brake is, that the lights turn off when you open the door... I miss that car. And although Landon's shiny Sentra is a nice, zippy car... I'm still learning to appreciate it. Stupid stick shift.

I miss my fully stocked kitchen. After finding myself defending the merits of non-stick cookie sheets to Landon last week (plus feeling very lost in the grocery store), I really miss the kitchen in my parents house. So many cupboards.... so many demarle sheets and pans, and all the ingredients you would need sitting there waiting to be made into something yummy... and even when we declared there "was no food in the house", there was still food in the house. You had to work a little harder but there was definitely still food there.

I miss a predictable shower. I love my new home but the shower is like a hotel shower- you never really know what you're going to get. And each time you turn it on it's a different amount of adjustment to get it just right... and that's if it's cooperating.

I miss my dining table. Trust me, when you don't have one, you notice it's gone.

The table is one of the last things on our list to complete our home, so I'm not too worried about that. Landon fashioned us a wonderful make-shift table for the meantime out of rubbermaid bins and a whiteboard, so we can at least sit down to eat together when the opportunity presents itself.

Of course there are a lot of things I like about being here as well. It's sunny and a generally nice temperature outside just about all of the time. We're only a couple of miles from the beach so it's very pretty and I love being so close to the ocean (even though I don't go in it). We were driving down the 101 yesterday and Landon says "hey look, dolphins." and sure enough, I saw dolphins surfing in the waves. I felt a little silly to be so excited but I had never seen dolphins before. Downtown is pretty cool too, with all the shops and restaurants- and free parking under 75 minutes. I like that our neighbors have wind chimes, and I like all the trees. I love our home- despite a temperamental bathroom, we are very blessed to be here.

After living in just one place for so long you start to find even mundane things interesting enough to stick out to you at a new location- like an abundance of screen doors, or an usually large population of obnoxious birds.

monopoly money

2009-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Most journeys to Walmart prior to yesterday, with rare exception, had followed the same pattern. I dread going but walk in with purpose, quickly become overwhelmed, and after as few demoralizing minutes as possible I make my escape with or without the items I intended to purchase.

For those tracking the story of the newest Bingham family, Landon and I have been married for a month now and in Santa Barbara for several weeks. We are extremely grateful for the generosity of others that put anything at all in our new home- kitchen appliances, cleaning supplies, a couch, etc. We found ourselves pretty well off, but definitely missing some essentials. Also, I love Target, but they were very selective about what could be returned. So, on the night before we left for California, we took all the items Target had rejected to Walmart and surprisingly, they took all kinds of things we didn't want to move with us and handed us a gift card for our troubles. Apparently they take anything they carry in their stores, even if it wasn't bought there.

Our mission yesterday was to fill in our missing essentials. Armed with our gift cards and a GPS, we made our way to Kohls, Walmart, and Target with a list I had put together after a week and a half of living here and noticing what was... missing. Like a garbage can, for example. As pretty as using shiny wedding gift bags was for our garbage needs, that was a short-lived solution. We decided to approach the warehouse-like establishments in a particular order due to the amount we had to spend at each store. After purchasing silverware at Kohls, we drove to Walmart to see what we could take care of there before moving on to Target, where we had the most to spend.

After parking and approaching what appeared to be a small city (Landon assured me it was just a Walmart), we apprehensively entered and began finding the items on our list. We managed to find and purchase my ENTIRE (rather sizable) list at Walmart, plus some extra items, for under $150. Say what you want about them (and I would have been right there with you before yesterday)- Walmart did us a huge favor by selling so much stuff for so cheap. When my biggest letdowns are accidently buying garbage bags without a drawstring and white lightbulbs instead of yellow, it's a successful venture. I don't want to copy my receipt here to prove my point, but we needed a lot and Walmart had it. For a lot less than we could have hoped for.

That's not even the happy ending. Having taken care of nearly everything at Walmart, we found ourselves at Target with a lot of gift card dollars, and even after we bought the set of pots and pans I had scouted out for weeks we had enough left over to purchase a TV- a luxury I hadn't anticipated so soon.

"So, do you like Santa Barbara?"

2009-05-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've probably been asked that about a dozen times in the last couple weeks. Honestly I don't have a good answer, so I say something honest like "It's pretty here." It's not that I DON"T like Santa Barbara... I'm pretty sure I do like it, actually... it's just been such a huge adjustment to married life and coast guard life and moving away from home life that it's hard to separate out what the state of California is responsible for and what's just life. So I'm withholding judgement for the time being.

I love my apartment. I love that I get to see Landon more than once every couple months. I love being close to the water. It's only been ghastly hot one day out of the weeks I've been here (and the city was kind of on fire at the time, so even that might be excused), so weather is nice. Downtown shops and little restaurants we've discovered like Jack's Bistro and a yummy thai place are nice. And we have a pretty awesome coast guard couple as friends.

Maybe I just don't have anything to compare it to, or maybe everything is just all so new that I can't get a clear picture on it. In any case, I don't know if I like Santa Barbara yet.

But it sure is pretty.

Courtney in California

2009-05-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

So... it's been quite an adventure these last couple weeks. Landon flew to Oregon, we were married, then we drove a moving truck down here to Santa Barbara, where we will be residing for an undetermined amount of time. After much trial and tribulation we found the perfect place to make our new home, where I am currently in the process of unpacking and finding where everything should go. I'm thinking about starting a new blog for Landon and me, not that he'll write but it'd be a good way to keep track of us, as we'll be exploring some geographics with our living situation for the foreseeable future.

I still feel like I'm playing pretend when I introduce myself as "Courtney Bingham" or refer to Landon as my husband or anything like that. There are a lot of adjustments, ranging from the deep emotional to the inane. But that's life. And this is mine.

3 weeks away. Ish.

2009-03-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm 18 days away from being married- yay! And weird. And completely ok. And all sorts of things. I'm very excited.

I don't pretend that things won't be challenging, but with that understanding also comes a certain excitement for some adventure. Not that that's the reason I'm getting married, just my outlook on the many changes coming up in my life. I think it has to be that way.

Again thanks to much help and support from many wonderful, wonderful people I know and love, things continue to come together for the wedding. I'm starting to get gifts, and that's pretty cool. I was talking with my mom a bit about the progression of wedding plans, where it seems that 4 weeks out there's much to do, and 1 week out there's much to do, but here I am in week 3 and then 2 just making sure everything that can be sorted out is and trying not to go crazy. I still have a lot of packing to do, but active planning and preparation for the "big day" is coming to a close and preparation for the life to come after is setting in. I suppose it has been for some time now, but with every passing day it sinks in more and more. That connection between leaving and realizing that everyone else is staying is slowly being made in my brain, and although I'll always come back for visits, it will be different.

New and different was my mantra, my motivation for change. And now I'm here, in a place I didn't think would come for me. With the life I've chosen new and different will be a constant, and the skills and experiences I've gained over the last year or so will be a great help in adapting to every new environment.

I'm 18 days away from being married. And I'm so excited :)

wisdom and gratitude

2009-03-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

I had my wisdom teeth taken out this morning, and over the day I've been thinking over all the things I'm thankful for through this whole experience.

I'm grateful for:
1. a mom who took a day off work to drive, babysit, save me from myself, and buy me special chocolate milk
2. a dad who let me take over the couch all day
3. siblings who managed to keep the house quieter than usual
4. a kitty who kept me company and kept me warm while I had ice packs on my face all day
5. ice packs
6. a fiance who keeps me looking at the bright side
7. friends who check in to see how I'm doing
8. anesthesia, which made the process more humane. and apparently humorous.
9. applesauce!
10. a comfy couch, painkillers, very vanilla yogurt, and a Blazer victory
11. chapstick chapstick chapstick chapstick...

After some serious memory lapses coming off the anesthesia (thanks Mom, for filling me in), I found myself sore but pretty clear-headed. Despite spending a vast majority of the day on the couch, I managed to get a lot done as far as wedding planning goes. So many wonderful people have come forward offering help and support, and being as this last week was really the first time I had begun to worry about things coming together, help and support are greatly appreciated and has taken a huge load off. It's time for picking cakes, and flowers, and mailing announcements... how exciting!

I hope to be feeling less chipmunky soon - only a month til the wedding :)

I'm engaged!

2009-01-27T01:00:00.000-08:00

What an absolutely amazing day! Landon is wonderful, the ring is beautiful, and the day was perfect :)

I'm incredibly happy. Thank you love.

new year, new life

2009-01-22T23:13:00.001-08:00

I know that January is nearly over, but for better or worse I have this habit of taking things at my own pace.

This past year has been quite an experience. Last February was when I began my whole-hearted effort to change, and it's been a pretty incredible journey since. I went from having a few distant friends to a network of truly amazing people, whose love and support I'm not sure I deserve but I appreciate with all my heart. And it goes beyond having a place to hang out on the weekends- it's about being connected to people, being in a position to help and be helped. Enjoying the company of others, and trusting myself to be ok. I've found that through the help of others, I've grown and become a person I had given up on ever being a long time ago.

I'm happy now. That's the biggest change. I've had happy times and happy things in the past, but to really feel happiness in your very core, and go back to that after everything settles down... that's something quite different for me. Default happy. And I felt a clear transition internally to that several months ago.

It's an empowering feeling to suddenly see the world open up in front of you. There are countless opportunities to take advantage of, and I feel more capable than I ever have. Where I am now, what I have now, I've worked hard for it. And I know happiness requires a continued effort, but I know I can do it now and I know it's worth it, because happiness makes everything better. It feels lighter. And people notice.

I'm so different than I was. I've had a number of individuals say to me over the past months that they can tell a difference. It's in how I talk, how I carry myself... the change in confidence has been clearly evident. And that's not something I expected. But here I find myself almost exactly one year from my start of a dedicated effort of being better, being social, facing fears, and really working at an internal overhaul, and I'm looking at a completely different life. Interacting with people comes a lot easier these days. I'm Relief Society president. I have responsibilities. I'm trusted. I find myself with truly wonderful friends and family, and many individuals that blur the line between the two. And I'm in love.

I still expect rough days ahead, and I certainly feel my fair share of them now. But in both a general and specific sense, I've found love. I understand so much more than I did. I am happy.

And I'm ready.

well it goes like this

2009-01-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift

learning curve

2008-11-15T00:32:00.000-08:00

Here is an apology to anyone who has ever given me sound advice: I'm sorry I'm a little slow.

I realized just this week something many of you probably know already, which is actually what I need to apologize for in the first place. I've found that I can be told something that I guess is true, but then one day weeks or months or even years down the road it will strike me as something new and brilliant. Then I usually let whoever was bright enough to already know of this particular epiphany I vow I will put into action in my life, and they are often heard to say at that point "yeah, I've been telling you...". So I'm sorry. Baby steps, with me, always the baby steps.

Traditionally I've had a large gap between realization and application, a gap I am now aware of and striving to close as much as possible. There's just a difference you feel when casual and accepted knowledge suddenly hits you as something you can't help but act on, and live differently than you had been, and there's a change in the way you approach things.

Today, I believe that it's not too late for me.

words

2008-10-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

I find that I like to write when I have an epiphany, or come to some sort of conclusion. But lately I've found I haven't had much to write, and not for lack of trying or disinterest. I have no conclusions. I have no epiphanies. I only have the process, the wondering, the in between. Even when I try to pull back my perspective to draw any sort of material from the things I see and the life I'm living I struggle. There is so much to wait for before a declaration, and it's all so close...

Fear itself

2008-10-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I always thought that one saw how strong they were and how far they'd come after climbing the mountain of whatever trial they were facing to look down upon the journey and know that they were victorious. What I've come to understand, however, is that growth in life doesn't really come from the peaks, it comes from the switchbacks. It's not about standing atop a conquered hardship, it is in feeling like you couldn't possibly take anymore only to be handed something more challenging than the first. It is not in resting- it is in pushing forward.

Fear and phobia have riddled my admittedly short existence thus far. I have a fairly extensive list of phobias that I will probably never be rid of completely, but my bigger problem has been fear. I learned a long time ago to be afraid. And I adapted my life to fit that fear instead of the other way around, as it should have been. I don't think I've made any particularly poor decisions, but I do regret lack of action in a lot of cases. I spent so much time walking on eggshells, often for no reason, feeling like at any moment I would be called out on doing something wrong. My solution was to do nothing, or as little as possible. It was an attitude of fear that explained so much of who I was.

My life has been far more eventful in the last year than the previous many for me personally. I've grown- I'm more capable, and I can feel the change in everything I do. It's been baby steps, and different changes have come over time one at a time. But where I feel the most difference has come in only the last week or two: I am not afraid anymore.

the follow-up

2008-09-04T20:13:00.001-07:00

ok. ok, ok, ok.

I can be better. I can be braver. I can be happy.

I can try harder.

never enough

2008-09-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for something, I don't even know what. Some good news, some report of change. Some... thing. That would make my life much more interesting to read about. Fill one with the need to check back for the next exciting installment. But the truth is I have nothing. Not really. So this is what you get.

Dynamics are shifting, I am trying my best to adapt to all sorts of new emotional circumstances, and the hardest part I think for me is trying to do this while looking at the same scenery I've had out my window for so long now. So I'm here, I exist with the power to decide, and what am I deciding? What am I doing with all that power to determine a course? And how much has already been put in place, immovable, so all that's left is naught but to live with the consequences? And how much further am I expected to go on like this?

I feel so heavy, I have so much on my mind and no idea how to sort through it... I don't know how to process it all. I carry around a permanent headache, and can't even sleep through the night anymore. I always seem to be falling apart. I need help, and help is on the other side of the world. At least it's good for a song though, right? At least I'm good for something. I'm so glad I have all this misery and heart break to draw from so I can make a buck or two relating to all the others that have misery and heart break too. Life's just dandy.

One day at a

2008-08-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

Time, who I always thought was so against me, really does work its magic if given the opportunity.

So much to say... and nothing coherent... I still need to process it all. But I'm here.

2008-07-06T01:00:00.001-07:00

And yet, we exist

2008-06-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

New and different has been my mantra for nearly six months now, and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you set your mind to something. I certainly have new and different. I am new and different. And life is strange, and messy, and complicated, and hard, really hard. But it's new. And different. And I never wish for a moment that I could go back.

I had given up on a lot of things. I had given up on myself. I didn't think I could ever change, or that there was anyone who could help me, or that I would ever be new and different. I was convinced of my own brokenness and ineptitude. I let my life be decided by the hands of others because it was easy. They knew better. I feared wrong decisions, I feared mistakes. Those fears created new fears. And in an effort to avoid facing them, I let them rule me. So I didn't do anything. I didn't decide anything. I let others.

It's been a very rough few days, weeks, and months. It's a time of transition, and dynamics are changing. We aren't expected to know how to adjust, but the test comes in how one handles the not knowing.

I didn't see how you could fight for something you weren't sure of. What I understand now is that it's not in the specifics. It's about being able to live, and stumble, and crawl, and fight, so that when you do stand up in spite of it all, you can let out a cry of victory because you alone were able to stand again.

Landscaping

2008-04-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

Life is a fascinating mixture of confusion and clarity. I like that it's fluid- I like that action and consequence changes the landscape of our very existence. It's scary, but empowering. It's a potential that waits to be tapped in to, and those opportunities change and shift depending on which ones we take and which ones we let pass us by. I think I've seen it as scary for too long. I think I still see it as scary. And I think that in itself needs to change.

Thankfully, there's been a very slow growing light appearing at the end of a long tunnel over the last few days and weeks. I won't be here forever. There's an end, there's a plan, there is a way for me to grow up and have a life. And it's such a relief to catch even a glimpse of that. It'll be really interesting to see how it plays out, how life... plays out.

2008-04-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the soundtrack of our lives calls for some silence.

mad world

2008-04-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't been neglecting my blog. I haven't had anything to say. And not having anything to say can either be accurate at face value or in the inability to filter and focus enough to write anything. Both could be said of me.

I wish I knew what I was really afraid of. I'm sitting here staring at the screen trying to decide how honest to be. Because where I want to go is no place light. And I can't go into the dark without having someone willing and able to pull me out after.

monster mash

2008-03-11T23:55:00.001-07:00

I don't know why (when do I ever?), but I've been thinking a lot about monsters lately. Not specific scary run-and-hide kinds, more just pondering on the results of our collective imagination. I was part of a discussion recently where people offered suggestions as to what came to mind for them when they thought of monsters, and some predictable things came up: scary, other worldly, powerful, etc. For me it goes beyond that. Monsters are really an amazing human creation, and here's why: for all their fright, and all their power, man has never created a monster that cannot be beaten.

Spoiler alert, but seriously think about that. Vampires? Stake through the heart/cross/garlic. Wicked Witch/aliens from Signs? Water. Werewolf? Silver bullet. Dorian Gray looks at a picture. Various other aliens, often involving Will Smith or Tom Cruise- common cold. King Kong, the Jaws shark, Jurassic Park dinosaurs, we out-smart them all. Dementers are beaten by positive energy. Sunlight is another popular option. We create a thing that terrifies us, completely outmatches us in every way, but always give ourselves an out. We bring ourselves to the brink of disaster for the thrill of it then save the day as the underdog (and often with very little effort). And we walk away feeling very good about ourselves. Good for us.

But monsters are not to be confused with demons. Monsters are creations of the mind, but demons are the occupiers of it. They're used commonly as synonyms, but to me at least, demons are very different. They are real, unseen things that haunt, and they can't always be beaten. They are invisible. And they are scary ones.

what day is it?

2008-03-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

There's always a kind of letdown, coming back home. Not that home is so awful, or anything like that, I just like going places. Places near, places far, doesn't matter, it's somewhere different than wherever here is. Ironic for someone who's scared to leave the house. But I would pack anyday over UN-packing. And I guess it's tough not to look too deep into what it feels like symbolically. So I'm here, dealing with all my wrinkley clothes, figuring out what got left behind accidently, and wondering when the next opportunity to use my suitcase will be.

"hmm" moment

2008-02-29T01:17:00.000-08:00

So many directions I could go here... I'll just pick one and get back to the others. Topic of choice: ........ uhh...... ... ... ... this is the part where I sum up the whole idea in one neat little package, but no one or two word phrases are coming to mind, so I'll just launch right in.

It occurred to me today that I have been existing on false assumptions. I'm a little slow, so no need to rub it in here, but honestly I was looking at myself and seeing that I'm constantly (and often in vain) searching for the right thing to say, etc, etc. I know perfectly well that I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, or should be, pretty much all the time. And really up 'til now it's been with the assumption that everyone else knows exactly what they're doing. And now that I'm beginning to think that's not necessarily the case, I'm not sure what to do about it. Makes me go "hmmm".

Hmmm.

spinning in circles

2008-02-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

I feel like I owe the world a constant explanation. Not that the world cares, or that this reaches the world somehow, but when you're trying to argue your case to the world you have to start somewhere.

I've been beating my head against a wall for a really long time, and though I recently found a new wall, am still beating regardless of the newness of the wall. And I don't know how much longer I can hold all the pieces together without completely falling apart.

dust myself off

2008-02-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

I should know better than to write at night. I don't really have the best perspective on things when it all catches up with me at the end of the day. I'll go out and try again. Why not?

when I speak I cross my fingers

2008-02-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know where I was the day we learned to be around other people, but I was obviously not in attendance. Fully aware that social outings are not my strong suit, I've managed to avoid those particular situations for the better part of 2 1/2 years. This behavior apparently doesn't leave you with many friends. I thought I didn't need them.

I was wrong.

And now, I'm finding opportunities to leave the house and be around people, and a combination of being out of practice at something I couldn't do well to begin with- it's a pretty frustrating dilemma. And I don't know what to do about it. My mom says it'll get better, & I hope she's right. But I don't know how long I can go with it being worse... I'm swinging between awkward and lonely, and the only time I'm neither is when I'm by myself.

I don't know where to look, where to put my hands, where to stand, what to say, what to do... and not sometimes, or even most of the time- ALL the time. It's no one's fault. It just is. And I'm really, really tired of living in a constant state of uncomfortable and semi-panic. But I haven't a clue what to do about it. Staying inside is no solution, and it's the only one I've had for years. What now?

Law won

2008-02-05T00:09:00.000-08:00

A lot of people assume things that come naturally to most people come naturally to all. I can assure you this is not the case. I've been, well, slow to catch on to a lot of these types of things. As part of an effort to change it up a little (and especially after a bad experience with our city bus system), I decided it might be about time I learn to drive.

I've been getting out a lot these past few weeks to get comfortable behind the wheel of a high-powered death machine, but I caught on fairly quickly, I think. You know, if you ignore the five or so years leading up to the last month. Scheduled my driver's test and everything (for March- are they only doing one a week??). So I'm driving around with my mom today, pulled into our first stop, executed a fine parking job, and decided to wait in the car instead of getting out. Mom back in, I pull out of the parking lot and get half a block when I see blinking lights in my rear view.

I definitely got pulled over. And ticketed. For not wearing my seatbelt.

First off, why is that even a law? And more importantly, why is it being enforced? Holy cow, are we really that hurting for crime in the greater Salem area? I didn't even know I could be ticketed as a permit driver (turns out you can, it should be noted). Not being in a financial position to suddenly develop this problem with authority, I did my best to plead my case, but what are you going to say? You either are or you aren't wearing your seatbelt at any given time. At that given time, I wasn't. And there's no chance of NOT getting a ticket- this officer's job was to do nothing but sit there and write up citations for the portion of the population that has such obvious disregard for the law that they don't wear their seatbelts. No kidding. He told me (not in so many words... but that's the general idea). For three days, one officer will sit and do nothing but the seatbelt sting. They answer no other calls, they look for nothing else. Seatbelt sting. Puke.

After the initial shock, my response was understandably to buy a new pair of jeans at our next stop. My mom's was to drive back by the officer and commit some other offense lawfully belted in, just to see if he really did nothing but seatbelt citations. (We didn't actually do that, but we were sure tempted.)

Apparently there's some class I can take (the "seatbelt diversion program"- I'm not even joking) that will probably take 5 hours to tell me to wear my seatbelt. Which, it should be noted, I do about 98% of the time. $100 ticket. Ridiculous. Ironic, also, and hilarious probably someday. But today is not someday. Today is Tuesday. And because it is Tuesday and not someday, it's still a bit close to be funny here. But just as today is not someday because it is, in fact, Tuesday, you are not here. You are there. And there, it's probably pretty dang funny.

boom boom D Fence

2008-01-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

Okay. So, recently inspired by lifestyles of the Rychen Famous, I've decided to, at least for now, stop feeling sorry for myself. And in its place, at least for now, I will feel sorry for my Blazers.

When you live at home, have zero social life, and rely on your parents and the city bus for your transportation needs, you find yourself a couple of things that you can really get into. For me it's music (will clarify), Jamba (no need to clarify), and the Blazers. Sure there's all that other stuff like church and family, but that's kind of understood, and probably not as interesting.

I've only missed maybe two games this season. They're a great team, fun to watch, they play together, have a strong bench, and they're in a surprising place this season that very few saw coming- we're a contender in every game. Which is why last night's game against the Cavs was such a heartbreaker. Shooting 35%, we had the lead from 6 minutes in until 0.3 seconds left, where LeBron (after hitting 3 3's in a row) drove to the basket to put them up by 1 point. And that was the game. First loss when the game is decided by 3 points or less all season. Games like that you look back on every missed free throw, every little thing that could have made the difference. But then I suppose you look ahead. I don't know, I'm no coach- just a dedicated fan and spectator.

I still hold that we make the playoffs this season. And I personally get to look forward to watching the next game at the Garden. Go my favorite sports team!

tick tock

2008-01-25T23:21:00.001-08:00

I wish really, really badly that I had something new to write. As it stands, I've come to the sad realization this week that I'm going to be here at home even longer than recently thought. And I guess I'm more confused about that than anything else. I need change so badly... and I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Day 1

2008-01-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

There's not much of that "shoot for the moon" stuff that works for me. I don't know if it's because I'm overly cynical or just a realist that likes to hear things as they are, but most things labeled inspirational do nothing for me. I found recently, though, something that does work for me. And I kind of lost that for awhile. But I got it back, and I'm moving forward with that new mentality: Today is Day 1.

Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the road you've been on, forget about your responsibilities and obligations for a moment and think of your life in a perspective free of the weights you pick up along the way. Even when practicality says otherwise, you have to look at every day as a choice. Even if you make the same choice you've made every day for years, there is empowerment in choosing again, and not just going along like you have been for that reason alone. Yesterday was hard. The week before that was even harder. But today... today is day 1. And today, I will be better.

2 all-nighters in 3 nights

2008-01-06T23:54:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I don't recommend it. Since I am obviously not asleep yet even after 38 consecutive hours of awakeness, that makes for about 7 hours sleep in the last 86. Hours. Total. And that's uncomfortable hotel/plane sleep.

There's a story there. The mystery is probably better, but I'll tell it later. It involves a party. And a movie. And the airport. Not in that order. Quite an experience.

Yeah.

Actually, if you look at it right, I'm going to bed early. Not even midnight.

...yeah

a little more sunshine for the forecast

2008-01-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

I'll be alright. I can get caught up in what's happening and what's not fairly easily- it happens when you don't get a removal from your own reality often enough. Yes, I struggle and yes, it's frustrating. But I'll be alright. I got to spend a few days away and that really gave me an opportunity to put things in perspective a little better. What's funny (ironic more than ha-ha) is that my view has shifted more since I got back than when I was there. I feel closer to moving on to the next phase of life than ever, I feel like the risky decisions I've made in forming direction in my own life have been the correct ones, and I need to go ahead and own that instead of trying to straddle the fence, or give myself an out. I'm on the right road for me. And I don't know who can follow me here, but someone will. I have so much further to go, I'm still so much a work in progress, but I'll be alright. I am alright. Days like these are good. Days like these make tomorrow seem a little less intimidating, yesterday seem a little more meaningful, and today wide open for anything. Here's to the new year. May something happen for everyone.

social defeat

2008-01-01T02:58:00.000-08:00

I wanted to wait a few days to let things process before reporting on events of this past week, and I'm still not quite ready to do that, but felt I should write something anyway. I'm not ready for thoughts on all of my friends lives moving forward without me or a retrospective of this past year. I'm not ready for much. Every time I see my group of friends, which unfortunately isn't often enough, I feel like I should be so much better than I was. I should accomplish more, before seeing them. I don't want to be the same person I was. And I have such a hard time with people, I manage to keep even the ones I care about at a distance. And not just the miles from my home to theirs. Distance goes beyond that. I was right with them, right in the middle, and I still kept myself on the outside. I don't know how to be anything else. And what an awful feeling to have the rare occasion of spending time with friends and blowing it. This time was supposed to be different. It's always supposed to be different. And fear and whatever else absolutely buried me. Again. What better way to ring in the new year than with the same old story of how nothing has changed and life is still a struggle.

all you create and all you destroy

2007-12-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

As human beings, we are creators of nothing. We are organizers. Whether we achieve this by invention, or education, or politics, we all seek to organize the best way we can. Everything is traced back to God-given matter, it is what we do with it, how we choose to organize the pieces we touch, that makes us unique.

We use words that make it sound like we have really created something, but our language has allowed us to be rather generous when it comes to personal credit. "You created a mess" for example. I didn't create a mess- I didn't create the shirt that's on the floor, or the sock that's hanging from the closet door, none of the actual things that make up a mess. But I suppose it's neccessary to have terms like these to shorten our explanations for why we let what is ours out of our control.

When I write a song, I'm not creating any new words or chords. I'm piecing together what already exists in a new way. And I call this collection of words and music a song. It's my way of organizing a bit of the chaos around me- that's what I've been given. And this new organization of the old is why you can hear a song you've never heard before and have it sound familiar, hit something inside. These common elements are certainly not exclusive to music- the old, the already in existance is why we share universal questions and feelings, and often solutions to basic problems- the family unit being essential to literal survival, for instance. So whether it's writing a novel or solving a math problem, all we're really doing is rearranging our bit of chaos into something of order, something that one can understand, satisfying our instinctive need to organize.

2007-12-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

Make that 16-12.

2007-12-22T03:07:00.001-08:00

Make that 15-12

2007-12-20T00:07:00.001-08:00

Make that 14-12.

And I was totally there at the Garden, screaming my team to victory. It was awesome.

2007-12-18T01:05:00.000-08:00

Make that 13-12

I love my team

2007-12-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

Blazers are 12-12 after stomping the Nuggets tonight. Yeah. Buddy.

don't turn your head back over your shoulder

2007-12-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

I know where I am and where I'm going and I'm still lost.

all by yourself

2007-12-09T01:37:00.000-08:00

Music is enough to get me through the day, but it is not enough to save me.

It's a bandaid, a spare tire, meant for temporary relief. Not that it is a temporary pursuit, just that it fills the space temporarily (and not entirely) that is meant to be filled by something else. Something more. Something real.

walk down that lonesome road

2007-12-08T00:50:00.000-08:00

Today was easier, for some reason, than most of the yesterdays in recent memory. Instead of feeling like this had to be the hardest things would get, it was more like the hardest was finally almost over. On to new difficulties. I know there will be more hills to climb, even mountains, but this one I'm on right now... I'm pretty close to the top. And it's all downhill from there. So I'll hold my breath a little longer, I'll wait, a little longer. Because this is almost done.

Audience Participation

2007-12-06T03:37:00.000-08:00

One of the Portland radio stations does a "celebrity playlist" thing and, evidently having a very loose definition of "celebrity", I've been invited to be a part of it... providing me with the opportunity to choose my "five favorite songs" to be played on the radio. It's comforting to know that even though it will only be a brief period of time, there will actually be something worth listening to on the radio next week. In my "professional" opinion.

Feet First

2007-12-05T22:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know who all is following the weather conditions in the Northwest this week, but I am.

There was a taping for a special tv broadcast thing for this Christmas compilation CD that benefits children's hospitals that I'm involved with this year in Seattle, so I drove up Thursday to be there for that (and by "I drove", I mean "I was in the car while somebody else drove"). Mom came up Saturday for the actual taping, I met Sanjaya, hung out with my Steves, and stayed in this strange hotel- Not strange scary, strange... artsy? very Seattle, I guess. Tiny elevators. Definitely not Marriott.

Me and Mom headed up to my aunt's house north of Seattle to hang out and shop for a couple days after that. And get our hair done. We were all over the greater Seattle area on Monday, and I have never seen it rain like that. Neither had the locals, apparently, but it was seriously bucketing all day (in the end it got 2nd place for record rainfall in a day for the area ). We were involved in a minor vehicular cosmetic issue on the freeway, but that's off the record and no big deal. We watched the news that night back at my aunt's, and learned that a 20 mile stretch of I-5 was CLOSED (at Chehalis, for those of you who know where that is). Shut down. Completely flooded. Kind of an important freeway to have open. For me. This week. So there was no hope Tuesday of getting home, which was fine with me. Off the record.

It's not like an accident, or even a tree falling on the road- you can't really clear water off, and it means that all the other alternate routes around it were out as well. Then the next closest alt. routes were shut down by idiot drivers who thought that their car was magic. We got varying reports of when I-5 would be open again, none of them promising. The flood waters finally started to recede today, half an inch an hour, but even so the reporters were heard to say things like "unsure of the structural integrity" and "concrete strewn about the freeway like Legos in a child's bedroom".

With our options limited, Mom and I headed out this morning with an atlas and took the very, very long way home. Seattle to Salem, via Yakima. That adds about 250 miles to the journey, for those keeping track at home. But it was a pretty drive, I saw new places, we had good weather (until we reached Portland), we're safe, and I was kind of in the mood for an adventure.

Not that I would wish it, but the whole thing was kind of exciting. Home is kind of anti-climactic.

I'm just a little black raincloud, pay no attention to me

2007-11-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

It is amazing to me that some of the most destructive forces are difficult to distinguish, due to their close resemblance to common sense. Doubt. Worry. Fear.

I have a tendency to live my life in a very all or nothing fashion- completely in or out, high risk/high reward, with as little grey area as possible. The thought is that if you're right, you look brilliant and didn't waste any time getting there, and if you're wrong, downside you're probably screwed, but upside, ideally, is that it's easier to correct a wrong decision than indecision. On good days I move forward full of confidence, filling my head with thoughts of inevitable success and lying to the world about my own infinite insecurities. But on most days... most days I wake up and don't want to. I go through everyday wishing it was over, and that's no way to live. I don't recommend it.

It's not that I doubt the initial decision to come home to pursue music full time. Lately, though, I've been wondering if the way I've gone about it was right. Is right. I did so well in the beginning about not thinking of all I was missing. I wonder if it would have made a difference, staying.

I've buried everything so deep for so long... I wonder if I ever really had a chance. I wish so many thing were different. And I see everything I am, and everything I'm going through, and I know it's no one's fault but my own that I struggle. You can't cut yourself off and keep people at a distance then wonder why you're lonely.

So I'll go through the motions, listen to my sad songs, curse someday and be here until change has mercy on me.

Order

2007-11-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

I like moving into new phases with the album development. This week's phase is "Figuring out the order of the songs". It's frustrating, for reasons both known and unknown. I'm really particular about song order in my playlists, so trying to decide an order with my own songs reaches a whole new level of... particular.

Also on the menu (the proverbial menu of tasks moreso than an actual menu with food items) is going through and making notes about each song, things that work and things that don't. Lucky for me, I believe my perfectionist leanings about my record slightly outweigh my being intimidated by those working on it. All about the balancing act.

Good Gravy (another Thanksgiving story)

2007-11-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

When you begin your day with world conquest and end it with apple pie, there's not much that can go wrong in between.

Winning anything is fun, but beating my eldest brother in a serious game of Risk was particularly satisfying. This while running back and forth to the kitchen in preparation for the spread that would occupy the rest of the day... Holiday plans were a little different this year without Paige and Whitney (we missed you!) and the rest of Paige's family that had provided countless pie options in years past. So instead of our usual feasting ritual at home, we joined the bishop's family at their home with a few others.

Managed to land a seat at the adult's table- another small victory- and soon discovered the beauty of sweet potatoes, which, incidently, don't taste like potatoes at all. I was initially a little wary of the color (we're not big believers in color when it comes to meals), and then the name (Potatoes? And sweet? Both, together?? And why orange? Potatoes aren't orange.) but decided to be brave and try new things. I went back for seconds. Nothing on Logan, who I believe went for fifths, but I had conquered the world that morning and he didn't make it to Day 2 (sorry Logan- world domination doesn't leave much room for compromise), so in the universal scheme of things I'm probably still up for the day.

In an effort to keep this an upbeat entry, I'll end it here. Happy holidays, everybody.

elusive change

2007-11-17T01:44:00.000-08:00

I think I'm living the definition of insanity. Who's with me?

album preview

2007-11-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

So I'm not into promoting myself at the kaleidoscope (that's why it's here), but I thought that whoever reads this might be interested in some of the new tracks that will be on the album due out in February. They're posted on my Myspace page. Just early mixes, but they sound pretty good.

www.myspace.com/courtneyjonesmusic

Enjoy.

another useless late night

2007-11-12T04:01:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what you resort to when you can't sleep. For me, it's imagined conversations... one wants to be prepared, right? I think of how to approach things, and what to say for countless situations, a vast majority of which I'll probably never find myself in. And even the ones that do come to pass, it's not like I have the confidence to say what I want to.

That's really a distraction though. Because if I think, if I really think about where I am and the decisions I've made, I could drive myself crazy. I'm falling apart. I keep thinking this is as hard as it gets, that the light at the end of the tunnel is just about to appear, maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed something. Someday gets harder to live on every day. But I suppose everyone asks how much longer.

2007-11-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

like shattered glass

2007-10-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

So many reasons. So many reasons I have only a handful of relationships I care about keeping. Days like today remind me why that's a good idea, and discourage keeping even those few.

insomnia

2007-10-28T03:53:00.000-07:00

If I go to sleep, I have to face tomorrow.

going nowhere

2007-10-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be on a plane today. Bought a ticket and everything. I really, really wish I were using that ticket.

game on

2007-10-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

So this is part two of however many of the power of perception blog. My basic thought here was two related matters, put into slightly different approaches. Or something. First, who really gets to decide who we are and how we come across? Does a jerk know they're a jerk? Does a flake know they're a flake? When does who we are fly out of our control and into a social vote? Second, how we act and what we say is a reflection on ourselves. We know our own justifications, we know our excuses, but a stranger overhearing you doesn't know anything about you except for the one statement they hear. If you tell a joke, they'll probably think you're a funny person. If you said something funny, it probably wouldn't be a stretch to say you probably are somewhat of a funny person. If the stranger hears you say something catty and rude, you are probably somewhat catty and rude, because you said a catty and rude thing.

I think there's something to be said for gut reactions, initial impressions, etc. And unbiased look. It shouldn't by any means total who you are as a person (& there will always be context to consider), but there's no escaping that it does matter, again, probably more than we would like.

jury dooty

2007-10-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

Here's what I would like to say to the jury duty people:

Hello? Hi, my name is Courtney Jones and I recieved a jury summons (for the third time this year) about two weeks ago and this is my attempt to get out of it. It says I'm supposed to respond within five days and I obviously haven't done that. I was in LA when it came in the mail and got back a couple days ago, but haven't called before now because, well, I'm not really the most dependable person when it comes to deadlines set by other people about something I don't understand, and in addition to that, have a seemingly unexplainable aversion to making phone calls. I talk to my attorney more than I talk to my best friend. It's nothing personal.

So anyway, I'm calling to let you know that I am an incredibly disorganized and unreliable flake that no one in their right mind would want sitting on a jury anyway. I've left stuff in hotel rooms after checkout twice in the last month, and have left my purse in four restaurants in that same timeframe. I can't show up to work on time to save my life, and the only reason I have what resembles a real job is because my dad hired me to answer the phone, which, see previous statement, causes ridiculous anxiety in my life. I only took what resembles this real job because a) I owe my dad bigtime for the money and time he's put in to my blossoming music career and b) I need all the money I can get. See, I'm a free-loading college dropout living at home rent-free because I just couldn't cut it in the real world. I've paid tens of thousands of dollars into my music to date, and am on the line for tens of thousands more, which, not surprisingly, I don't have. So in addition to constantly living under the pressure of spending tens of thousands of dollars of my and my parents money for something that odds are won't pan out to be even remotely profitable, I was a bit scatterbrained to begin with. In addition to music expenses, of which there are many, I also have pending legal and dental expenses and haven't taken care of my 2006 taxes yet. Basically I have very little chance of achieving even a remote amount of sanity.

Even if my brain functioned like a normal person's, I have no transportation to get me to the opposite side of the county at 8:30 in the freaking morning (have I mentioned the insomnia yet?). Not only do I have no car, I have no license. Parents both work, I have no friends that can take me (I'm rather limited when it comes to friends to begin with), there's no bus that goes that direction and no taxi within a 50 mile radius.

And even if on top of all that, if I was able to make it and for some reason was put on a jury, I am in the state of Oregon as much as I'm out of it, which wouldn't do anyone any good. I'm already booked, and I don't think that convincing people to pay me for missing gigs because of jury duty is going to fly.

So, unsympathetic jury duty nazi that only answers the phone between 8:00am and noon PDT, I'm really of no use to you. Please find someone else to fill my place (like, I don't know, one of my parents (who you can reach at the same address), since neither of them has ever received a jury summons). Really, you've given me more than my fair share of attention. Okay. Goodbye.

Think that'll do it?

life on the road

2007-10-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm currently enjoying my free internet, compliments of Valencia Marriott. I really will get back to the previous observation on perception and other such things, but for now I'm feeling a different direction.

Courtney's pros and cons of hotels and travel:

Cons
-looking like crap when you check in
-semi-unpacking
-travel food
-impatient drivers (in and out of the car)
-constant togetherness with travel companion

Pros
-awesome random tv you wouldn't watch at any other time
-no crappy job for a few days
-tiny shampoo
-endless supply of clean towels
-lobby cookies

car

2007-10-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving in a few hours to make the lengthy drive to LA, where I'll be for about a week. I promise to follow up on the last blog, just don't have the attention span for it right now and still need to finish packing.

The power of perception

2007-10-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

I think there is less difference between what we are and what people think we are than most of us would like to admit.

Rest in peace

2007-10-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

Here lie Time and Conversation
I raise my eyes to see the sun
I'm on my knees
in the cemetary trees
Is it too late to save me?

Wasted hours of contemplation
Never brought me further than I am
Lost in rows
of written in stone
Is it too late to save me?

Alleluia

Can we avoid a confrontation
and still speak to matters of the heart?
A passing glance
at an untaken chance
Is it too late to save me?

Heart as heavy as headstone
Beating in a hollow chest
No one here for comfort
As my fears are laid to rest

Hold me close, Imagination
and bring me hope to spite the pain
Life is time
for the victimless crime
Is it too late to save me

Clockface

2007-09-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

Back from LA, whoopee.

Haven't been feeling the need to share irrelevent life details since I got back. Probably because to sit down and hope to write anything of your life, no matter how cryptic you try and make it, forces you to accept your own reality. And you can mask it, use creative ways of saying things or even use someone else's words, but you face your own reality just the same. And I frankly haven't been feeling up to that. Because I don't like my reality. I like where its going, I like its potential, the track I'm on. But the right now, the actual day to day life and consequent situations are so motionless it's maddening. So I've been losing myself in music, and tv, mindless but occupying nonetheless. Can't think of any better way to kill time.

REM

2007-09-14T01:32:00.000-07:00

So here I am, trying to think of something profound to write, and I have "Shiny Happy People" stuck in my head. Hm. I suppose that'll work for tonight.

Poetry, pt 2

2007-09-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

Okay.

With music and poetry, there are those set aside as the greats, the classics, and are immune to any sorry criticism I assign to the art in general. In music, for example, it's the Beethoven, the Mozart, Bach, Abbess Hildegard von Bingen, etc. In poetry, it is all the aforementioned greats in Whitney's rather vocal response to the previous kaleidoscope entry.

I was of a more contemporary mindset when I made my claim that 98% of poetry isn't all that great. I still hold that a majority of it is crap, but a majority of songwriting is crap too. People have lost a sense of the beauty of language, and have gotten into the business of manufacturing something commercial (or lazy), rather than create something of worth.

Music and poetry both suffer from similar ailments in the world- some is far more beautiful than most will give it credit for, or take the time to understand, but there are also those songs and poems (novels, movies...) that are heralded as "great" and are totally over-rated, sometimes just plain weird. It's not my place to be on the front lines of preserving the beauty of language, but it bothers me that so much mediocrity is so readily accepted by the consuming public, as far as any art is concerned.

We live in a society of wasted words. With songwriting I do my best not to contribute to that, but I am nothing great. And I don't claim to be.

Inadvertent thoughts on poetry

2007-09-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've hit a new kind of writer's block. Lyrics and music generally come at the same time, paired up in some unexplainable way, and it's very hard to break out of the original music I have in my head. I did have a few months of true writer's block where nothing was coming a little while ago, but this is different.

I feel like I'm writing great lyrically, but the music sucks. Totally forgettable, sounds even worse when I try to put it to the piano. And what are lyrics without music? Poetry. And I am NOT a poet. To my view, about 98% of all poetry is just lazy songwriting.

Something's off.

I saw a sign

2007-09-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Bean Truck
Pull over at Bob's
we want beans

(hand-written cardboard sign taped to a streetlamp me and my mom saw today)

For some reason that struck us as being really, really funny. Thought I'd share.

Flipping ties and radio

2007-09-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice humor entirely for the sake of being polite. So I'm here, at the kaleidoscope.

I was attempting to talk to our resident health nut who will remain pointlessly anonymous about, well, anything, when the subject matter turned invariably to food (or in my view, the lack thereof). She was excited because she had found someone to guide through weightloss (which I commend her for) via internet, and explaining to me all the benefits of a total fruit/veggie diet, mostly fruit. Somehow it came up that this unknown internet woman with a weight problem was generically spiritual, which prompted the following statement from our aforementioned slightly anonymous health nut: (refering to Adam and Eve) "...that's when their life span began to decrease, when they introduced meat into their diet". Reflect on that a moment. I know- I'm not making this up. And what I wanted to say was "Actually, I believe the fruit was responsible for that one."

I couldn't think of a graceful way to end the conversation at that point and not be totally awkward about it, so I just kind of smiled and made a mental note to skim over some Genesis later. The other funny of the day came flipping through the radio stations (while I'm there, I will never understand what my dad is looking for exactly on the radio... he'll flip through a bunch of crap we've never heard, finally come across something decent that we know, and skip over that too because "I can listen to that anytime!"... ?). Anyway, I'm getting off topic really easily tonight, so he was flipping through stations, and do you ever do that and catch some random sentence fragment that out of context (or maybe in- will we ever know?) makes next to no sense whatsoever? Our family still quotes "Hostility" from that very thing about a decade ago. Tonight, it was .... something rap that I'm sure is the number one song in America right now... *flip* ...some country crap... *flip* "All confusion has been eliminated" *flip* some Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes... Wait. Hold it right there. All confusion has been eliminated... Seriously? Well that's pretty cool. I couldn't wait to rush home and tell somebody. But really, it was one of those moments where you look around to anyone that happens to be there, wear the "did you just hear that?" look on your face and laugh about it. Maybe you had to be there. Maybe you were.

Tie-flipping statements? Does anyone remember those?

2007-09-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

There are those every once in a while who come up to me after a show and tell me how they could never do what I do. How they would be so scared to get up in front of people and be so vulnerable in a spotlight. Personally, I don't think they give themselves enough credit, but I also think there is something to be said for finding what it is you love to do. It took me a little time to grow into music, but really has become a relationship, and I feel my strongest when I'm performing and right after I write a good song.

But these people see me at my best. What many of them will never grasp is how much I struggle in the day to day things. I feel like I walk through everyday holding my breath, trying not to let anyone else know that I'm usually on the verge of panic. Every night I think about the conversations I had, and kick myself for all the stupid things I said. I'll get off the phone (the rare times I use it) and my hands will be shaking. I don't know how to shop for groceries, or drive, or do my taxes. I have an incredibly guilty conscience and cut myself off from society entirely too easily. Until this job, I had never been successfully employed at any one place for longer than three months, maybe two. And the only reason I still have this one is I don't have a choice.

Just trying to find where I fit. Can't live on stage.